Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Leo: It looks as though the next year will see you cool cats making steady progress towards your dreams. The keys will be determination, patience, regular heavy petting sessions and staying positive. Memorizing this line from Ralph Waldo Emerson will also help: “Every minute you remain mad, you give up 60 seconds of peace of mind.”
Virgo: Since life is like a long journey down a winding river, and since you’re always the captain of your own boat, you should probably get ready to holler out a “High Side,” as you’re about to head in a new direction across uncharted waters. Naturally, that’s the only direction you’d want to go in anyway, so put on your life jacket and refresh your drink.
Libra: The recent new moon shed some powerful light on your career. Your key to capitalizing on this is to somehow balance career and family for the next few weeks. Since this might seem akin to juggling chainsaws, try a new motto such as: “Crazy is really a relative term.”
Scorpio: There’s an old saying that goes, “An unquestioned faith is a dead faith.” This could help as you power through a time when self-doubt might be trying to tackle you. A new mantra would also help, although probably not this one: “We came, we saw, we farted.”
Sagittarius: Members of this sign are “outdoorsy” people. Therefore, you hearty members of this sign have the most luck in love when you give your heart to people who are also “outdoorsy” or at least people who like to go “au natural” regularly. Since this is a good time for you to start or renew a romance, here’s a starter line that should help: “Have we gone camping, because looking at you is setting my marshmallows on fire?!”
Capricorn: You might be feeling like life, especially the familial part of it, is a spandex body suit two sizes too small, and you’re wearing it while trying to run hurdles or do the Jane Fonda workout. To help maintain balance, don’t adopt this Jane Fonda theory: “If you’re ever in a situation where you’re not getting served or you can’t get what you need, just cry.”
Aquarius: The Stars stress that you do whatever you need —w ithin the confines of the law, though maybe not the laws in Utah or Alabama — to handle any stress life tosses at you. Be sure to find time for a walk, a laugh or have your love slave treat you like the King, Queen or both that you are. Then everything should roll along like a royal carriage.
Pisces: Since life is currently asking you to shake things up a bit, here are a couple nuggets of advice. The first comes from Joel Osteen: “God doesn’t want to you to just survive, but to thrive.” The other comes from Clouds: “God also wants you to hug often and to occasionally celebrate like the heavens are throwing a keg party in your honor.”
Aries: Your power of transformation is very high right now. How high, you might ask? How about higher than Ridgemont High’s Jeff Spicoli when he had pizza delivered to his history class. To help harness your power, take it easy on your favorite substance and adopt a new motto like Spicoli’s: “All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz and I’m fine.”
Taurus: As summer begins to wane and the days start to go faster than a bag of Doritos sitting in front of Buddha, Clouds thought this advice from the Dalai Lama might help: “Whenever you’re having a negative thought mediate on its positive opposite.” For example, when you’re angry, think about love. Or, you could just throw a hissy fit. Up to you.
Gemini: The Stars remind you that failure, like farting, is a part of life. But what’s really important isn’t getting knocked down, or how bad you can stink up the car, it’s about having the courage to get back up or to apologize, or to at least roll down the window. Therefore, your new mission is to make sure you keep getting back up. The Stars will be there to dust you off and supply some Febreze.
Cancer: Trix are for kids, but a fast talker can trick anyone every now and again. To help make sure that the only “Trix” in your life this month are floating in milk, realize that you’re incredibly attractive to everyone else, especially right now. But keep in mind that some of those you attract won’t be nearly as lucky as a rabbit’s foot.
