Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Capricorn: The only thing that ever keeps Capricorns from fulfilling their dreams is their attitude toward authority figures (ie: bosses, co-workers, parents, spouses, Bruce Springsteen, Tony Danza, etc.). Therefore, your birthday gift is to remember that if you want to be treated with respect, you gotta earn it, in part, by treating others with respect.

Aquarius: To help you fully embrace the holiday spirit, here’s a reminder of what we’ve learned from Christmas: Life is best when we celebrate it. Mistletoe was a way better idea than eggnog. Miracles happen. Holiday office parties should always include “fun with the photocopier.” It’s not about what you get, it’s about what you give. Abstinence almost always works.

Pisces: Since Pisces have a pension for running away from their problems, only to eventually twist an ankle or get so winded that the problems easily catch up and then pound the poop out of ‘em, here’s your new reality check statement: “I might as well make the best out of this place now because it doesn’t matter where else I go, the people will suck driving there, too.”

Aries: If you’re reading this HorrorScope it means you’ve made it this far. You’ve gotten through traumas and challenges, heartbreaks, Highway 395 and all the other obstacles life throws at us. Therefore, Clouds would like to offer you the mad kudos you deserve. You’ve kicked some serious booty so far in life. So here’s to more of the same this New Year, only instead of kicking booty, how about just patting and tapping it.

Taurus: Seeing as how men and women occasionally get along like oil and water, but sometimes like the stars and the moon, love can be a very confusing thing. Try to enjoy the confusion and don’t be surprised to hear someone recite a line from singer Jason Mraz to you this New Year, “I’ll take no more. No more. It cannot wait. I’m yours.”

Gemini: Years from now, when you’re a little grayer and saggier, you’ll fondly look back on 2013 as the year your life came together. Luckily it shouldn’t come together like Sonny and Cher, or Sonny and that tree for that matter. No, it will be more like Cher and Greg Allman, whose kid’s a rock star himself. Therefore, your holiday advice comes from Cher: “Until you’re ready to look foolish, you’ll never have the possibility of being great.”

Cancer: The Stars wanted to let you know that they’ve had your heartstrings re-tuned. Therefore, don’t be surprised if you meet someone you can make beautiful music with. Patience, communication and faith with be your keys and it’s probably best to start out as a duet before you try making turning it into a trio or sextet.

Leo: Leos have an uncanny ability to piss people off so bad they start saying things like “Balderdash!” “Son of a mother-less goat!” and “You stubborn, impatient, presumptuous prick!” But life, my beloved friends, is all about balance. So, fortunately for Leos and those who love them, these comments are usually followed up by something like “We’re cool” or “I still respect and appreciate you” or, better yet, “I want to practice making babies with you.”

Virgo: This much we know is true: 1) Everybody loves Raymond. 2) Every ski bum loves Ramen Noodles. 3) Everybody loves the rug burns you get from fooling around with your partner. !) Unlike last year, Virgos should love their love lives and will be highly susceptible to rug burns in 2013.

Libra: With the holidays here, it’s time to remember what love really means. It means you’re willing to give your life, or spare it, for another. It means you’ll always be willing to lend a hand, a shoulder or knuckle sandwich when needed. Hopefully, this information will come in handy for Libras, since they sometimes think love only means not saying things like, “You are a total moron!”

Scorpio: Communications and relationships should start to be as smooth for you as the average Super Model’s thighs, just hopefully much fuller and juicier. To help assure things go nice and smooth for you, be sure to think good thoughts, to spoil yourself a little and to liberally apply your favorite moisturizer.

Sagittarius: Since your holiday gift from the Stars is to get back in touch with your lighter side, please enjoy the most popular Tweets of 2012. @JimGaffigan: “If there were any awards for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.” @TheNardvark: “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of this meeting.” @UncleBlazer: “I can forgive a friend for lying but if they’ve got a hoverboard they’re not telling me about, F#@! Em.”