By Clouds McCloud
Capricorn: The Stars report that you’re entering a period when your creative and sexual powers will be turned all the way up to 11 (see: “Spinal Tap”). To make the most out of this period remember that everyone is a perfect 10 to someone else, especially if that someone else has been drinking or is bad with numbers. And adopt this new motto: “I envy us.”
Aquarius: Babies learn to talk by making just about any strange sounds they can muster. Apparently, trying to eat everything they can get their little hands on also helps, as does destroying diaper pails. Therefore, your new assignment is to be more curious, just like a child, about the real motives behind your life. Just be sure to change your own stinky diapers and remember that everyday is a just another miraculous adventure.
Pisces: It’s a little known fact that most Pisces actually have numerous personalities and the more we can accept this, the better off we’ll all be. To help, here’s a list of the average Pisces’ personalities: happy-go-lucky, heartless, humorous, transcendent, horny, addicted, chameleon-ish, forgetful, mischievous, athletic, hairy, Smurftastic, sleepy and, as Sid the Sloth put it, “lone, lonely, loners.”
Aries: For the next couple of weeks life should buzz along nicely for the people of this sign. Since it just so happens that the people of this sign are good at buzzing and bopping, this is great news, although your bee-bopping could use some polishing up. Therefore, try working more on understanding and feeling the full rhythm and harmony of life, and maybe focus a little less on just the cowbell sections.
Taurus: For years, scientists and bitter people everywhere were claiming that love doesn’t last. That sooner or later, the spark burns out like a candle. But the good people at Stony Brook University have released a study that proves that passionate love can last a lifetime. The keys are to stay positive, communicative, supportive, to keep challenging life together and to remember that candle wax has endless possibilities.
Gemini: Never forget that, like most people, you’re a person, too. We’re all just people, after all, regardless of our color or creed, religion or SAT score, sexual preference or fashion sense. That’s why we all need to start being kinder and more compassionate towards one another; except, of course, for politicians, insurance providers or Ryan Seacrest. We should just throw empty beer cans at those people.
Cancer: Assuming you’re like the rest of us and find things like wiffle ball bats to the scrotum or Donald Trump’s hair amusing, then you already realize that love is a funny thing (just ask Manti Te’o). To help you make sense of it, you can simply accept any love you find on the Internet as real. Better yet, how about you just put on your floaties and try drifting down the River of Love always on the ready to holler out, “Rapids ahead!” or “Who wants to go skinny dipping?”
Leo: Since the best year of your life is underway, it would the perfect time to adopt a positive, hopeful, thankful and scantily-clad kind of attitude. Therefore, try adopting this motto: “I’m good enough. I’m smart enough! And gosh darn it, I’m terrific on my feet and even better in the sack!”
Virgo: Members of this sign can hold a grudge like nobody’s business. Unfortunately, this isn’t very good for business: the business of enjoying and feeling fulfilled in life, that is. Therefore, your words of wisdom will come from Nelson Mandela: “Having resentment is like drinking poison and thinking it will kill your enemy.”
Libra: Willpower is something Libras are blessed with in much the same way that Superman is blessed with X-Ray vision and Clouds is blessed with X-Rated thoughts. Therefore, have a little patience for the rest of us mere mortals. It will help to try to guess which super powers the rest of us are blessed with.
Scorpio: Here’s the good news: the opportunity you’ve been waiting your whole life for is standing at the door just waiting for you to knock. Here’s the bad news: It’s been waiting there, patiently, for you to get your wits about you and could be a little cranky. So be sure to start off with some sweet-talking and maybe a sweet (wink, wink) treat.
Sagittarius: Whenever we cross adversity in life we’re presented with two choices: either crumble under it like a deck of cards holding up a rhino or rise above it like an eagle wearing a jetpack. So, be sure to choose your attitude, and underwear, accordingly!