Shark secrets

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, Vane offers insight on how to bait your hook

Welcome back, newbie. Haven’t seen you since just after New Year’s. Heard you’d fallen on hard times, losing that girlfriend to her New Year’s crush. Don’t worry, though. The New Year’s crush doesn’t usually last long, either.

Listen, didn’t me and my buddies warn you about relationships in this town? You’re lucky you got a month with that chick. Most girls move on to bigger and better within a couple weeks of getting here. Although ‘better’ is relative. The men of Mammoth are all the same, really; they just wear different jackets.

You know what? It’s a good thing you bumped into us tonight. We’ve got some news that’ll turn that frown upside down. Why? Because it’s Shark Week, and no, we’re not talking about the Discovery Channel. We’re referring to the feeding frenzy that always happens post-breakup season, probably in ski towns across the nation. Believe us, you aren’t the only one that just got dumped. Ask around and see how many non-married couples made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s, and you’ll probably hear crickets.

But there’s a silver lining, newbie. Late January, work is leveling off, locals are starting to go out again, and the lonely are looking for love. There’s a lot of cute girls in this town, more than we admit when they aren’t single, but they’re out now in schools at bars like this one. Just wait a little and you’ll see.

Here’s the thing, though. Shark Week isn’t about bringing on the sleaze. You gotta keep it classy. Sure you’re a slayer in this scenario, but a slayer with a heart of gold. Don’t try to get some chick home with you in the first 2 hours at the bar. Take your time; circle for a while. Bring on the charm if you’ve got it. That means try talking about something other than skiing or snowboarding for a change. We know it’s hard, but unless she’s a pro skier, that girl probably doesn’t care about the little line you took off Dragon’s Tail, the one just over the knoll, right after the dead tree. She could care even less about those new Armada JJ’s and how big they are on your foot.

Say you do by some miracle end up with a pro. We’ve got two words of advice: be careful. If you can’t at least throw a cork 5 over one of the Main jumps, you’ll be kissing her ass goodbye in no time.

Either way, when you see the girl of your dreams at Clocktower or Nevados, or any other shark tank in town, surprise her. Talk about that awesome Everest book you just picked up, even if you picked it up a month ago and haven’t finished it yet. Engage her friends, especially if they’re of the more homely persuasion. Sometimes it takes buying a round to brighten everyone’s night. If so, go for it. We call it chumming the water.

Don’t be afraid of dancing. Steer her to Whiskey Creek or Lakanuki, but be aware you’ll be fending off other shivers of sharks. A good way to distinguish yourself: grind sparingly. Slide little, if at all. By that we mean, don’t scope a chick out and slide up on her like the stealth predator we know you are, and surprise her when she turns around and finds you on her like a rash. Like we said, class is key.

Wherever you go, be sure you know the bartenders. It’s even better if they know you. Imagine the turn-on when it’s 3-deep at the Clock, you’re in back, and you get served first. Tip big and say thanks.

And newbie, peel off that ski jacket for once. A shark puts in a little more effort. Clean clothes, pants worn reasonably high, and decent shoes; these things show a girl you’ve got a house with a working shower, the ability to do laundry on your own, a job, and maybe even a car. That’s most of the boxes checked off on any Mammoth girl’s list right there.

Say you can actually run game, which we’ll believe when we see, and you start reeling some lovely lady in. It’s time to think about separating your catch from her guy friends, the ones shooting you dirty looks, or her girlfriends, especially the team-mom who wants her in bed by midnight. Suggest a change in venue; perhaps even a shift to your place for casual cocktails. If you make it that far, for God’s sake, don’t put on a ski movie. We’d suggest the Frank Sinatra station on Pandora instead. Make sure your house is clean and tidy. You want that girl to feel comfortable in your home, like she can use your bathroom without contracting herpasyphilaids.

Whatever happens, remember to be discrete and respect a lady’s honor. No bragging around town, and no broadcasting the successes or failures of your housemates, either. Above all, be honest with your catch. If dating’s what you want, that’s great. If it isn’t, that’s fine, too. Just don’t go leading anybody on. That’s how you get a reputation, and in this town, a reputation is a hard thing to shake.

Who knows, newbie. She could even be the One. Could be worth it to run the long game and not even try to get her home, just suggest something casual the next day. We’re talking take her out to a secret hot tub with a bottle of Costco moonshine your buddy brought down from Carson City, or cross country to Convict Lake Resort for a classy dinner. Or, if you both happen to work at Canyon or Eagle Lodge, propose a drink at the Austria Hof, where you can get pints and sliders at happy hour and impress your date with your knowledge of the European après-ski.

A word of warning: don’t date within your department. Sure if you’re the Supervisor all those rookie girls are gonna come to you for sage ski bum wisdom. Just ask Simon over there; that’s how he works it. But most of the time, interdepartmental dating is a disaster waiting to happen. This town’s too small to have a bunch of people at your workplace hating your guts.

That doesn’t mean don’t hit up employee parties. No matter what, everybody gets excited, there’s usually a little making out on the dance floor, and if you both live in the same employee housing, so much the better. In fact, you’ve already got it made if you live in employee housing. It’s worse than a college dorm.

Here’s the thing, newbie. A great Mammoth girl is a diamond in the rough. A Mammoth guy is more like a dime a dozen. If you find that great girl in Mammoth, especially during Shark Week, you gotta hold on to her. Chances are she’ll be cute, athletic, and may even kind of understand your lifestyle. She might be leaving in 6 months, and maybe you’ll be leaving, too. So enjoy the time you get to spend together. A shark may never stop moving, but that doesn’t mean he loves any less.