Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Aquarius: Since you’ve entered a time when incredible change is ready to enter your life, Clouds thought some advice from a member of your opposite sign, Leo, might help. From Oscar-winner Ben Affleck: “You have to work harder than you think you possibly can. Can’t hold grudges. It’s hard, but you can’t hold grudges. And it doesn’t matter how you get knocked down in life, because that’s going to happen. All that matters is that you got to get back up.”
Pisces: Clouds is lucky enough to call lots of Pisces friends. That’s because the good people of this sign really know how to party and often have lots of tequila running through their veins. Therefore, your new assignment, which should be carried out for the rest of your natural born life, is: Don’t drink and drive (cars or people you don’t truly care about). It’s never worth it.
Aries: You’re now in the midst of a great time to deal with anything that has become burdensome or buried or needs to be dealt with. To help make sure you don’t get stuck in the muck of denial or perhaps block a dream trip to the Nile, which is a river in Egypt, stay positive. To help keep your cool, take any and all necessary shots, be they Malaria, Maalox or Maker’s Mark.
Taurus: It looks as though your career will soon be taking center stage. Luckily, the Stars are shining helpful and positive light in that direction. Therefore, your new mantra will be as follows: “Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today is a gift, that’s why we call it the “present” and not “an enema” or “Susan.”
Gemini: To help keep you feeling positive, Clouds would like to remind you of the following: 1) The best thing about the Ten Commandments is that there are only 10 of them. 2) The bravest thing a man can do is love a woman, especially one good at throwing things. 10) Jesus does love you; it’s the rest of us who have some doubts.
Cancer: In hipster talk, the term “brownie” is an adjective that describes something both funny and awesome. This piece of info should come in handy as your life starts to basically become a brownie with ice cream, whipped cream and a cherry on top. Here’s hoping it just isn’t Nina Cherry. “Buffalo Stance” gets old fast.
Leo: The Stars say you’ve been powered up and should be ready to handle anything life tosses at you, especially involving your career. Salad tossing is the type of thing career criminals have to worry about. But not you, all you’ve got to worry about is what kind of dressing you want on your dream salad. Clouds prefers blue cheese and/or syrup.
Virgo: This much we know is true: We’re all insecure, we just handle it differently. This much we’re not so sure of: Why former Vice-President Dan Quayle said, “I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” Or Donald Trump’s hair. Or why Nancy Grace is still on television.
Libra: There’s plenty of good karma heading towards your home life now. So don’t be surprised to find your dream home at a price you can afford or a refinance goes better than expected. And don’t be surprised if your family starts to expand somehow (for the record: “adopting” a plant or a 21-year-old with his/her own apartment equipped with a kegerator and a striper pole only counts as extra credit).
Scorpio: Starting this week, the Stars will ask — make that implore and practically throw a hissy fit — you to start taking a larger role in your own happiness. So you really shouldn’t ignore them, especially since all you have to do is figure out what makes you feel whole, happy, most alive, fulfilled and less like life has been biatch-slapping you. Then start figuring out how to make happiness your biatch!
Sagittarius: The Stars report that you should start feeling more in control of your life soon. So these should help: Ein) He who laughs last, laughs best, even if he who laughs last is just slow or simply stoned out of his/her ever-loving gourd. Deux) We are what we eat. So eat more Sexy-Os and Patience Popcorn.
Capricorn: The next couple of weeks will focus on your partner’s income. This could go well or it could go the other way. The outcome will depend on a few things. but most notably … your partner’s income. If you’re disappointed with that number, well, conspire to produce some body heat and save on propane.
