Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Leo: To celebrate the 18th annual Bluesapalooza, as well as the next amazing year of your life, continue to believe in yourself, be kind to others and start thinking about (and preparing for) your biggest dreams to come true—even those too hot to garner a PG-13 rating! To help, remember to never drink and drive or drink and text and make this Billy Currington line your new anthem: “God is great. Beer is good. And people are crazy.”

Virgo: Of all the signs of the zodiac, the one with highest percentage of beer geeks is Virgo. After all, the three main traits needed to brew good beer, Virgos have in spades: You have to be a hard worker; You have to be anal; And you have to be able to appreciate those little moments of perfection that make life great. By the way, try doing more of the latter.

Libra: Your new role model is fellow Libra and the late, baseball great George  “Boomer” Scott. The original Boomer—sorry Chris “Boomer” Berman—coined the term “taters” for Home Runs and wore a necklace he said was made out of “second basemen’s teeth.” Therefore, try swinging for the fences more often and remember that impossible dreams do come true.

Scorpio: To help you embrace the chaotic last month of summer, please adopt one of these sayings: “Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.” From Guru Tugginmypudha: “People may say bad things about you, but you should never say bad things about yourself.” “Bacon makes everything better.”

Sagittarius: Some people think that hot dogs are nothing more than lips and butts wrapped up into the shape of a wiener. Some folks, quite frankly, think that hot dogs are nothing shy of dog-gone, mouth-watering little miracles. The thing to really relish here is that all it really takes to cut the mustard in life is to be good to others and believe that you deserve a life full of warm, toasty buns, steaming hot Franks and pints of fresh ale.

Capricorn: In honor of the 18th annual Mammoth Festival of Beers, your McNugget of wisdom for the week comes from Cheers: “How’s a beer sound, Normie? I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.” And your hop pellet of insight comes from Clouds: “Beer is proof that God loves us. Hangovers are proof that He has a sense of humor.”

Aquarius: An Aquarius recently complained that Clouds sometimes “screws mine up.” First and foremost, Clouds would like to remind all of you to use words like “screw” in a more positive way. Nextly, Aquarains can be walking contradictions and can be enigmas, wrapped in riddles, served with shots of Tuaca. So, basically, you folks are the astrological version of a “turduken” and should just be happy that you get stuffed.

Pisces: Since this is as good a time as ever to chase after your dreams like they just stole your ice cream cone, please remember that “Nobody puts Baby in the corner.  And make this your new mantra: “First believe, then achieve—nap, eat and make whoopee as needed.

Aries: The Stars are asking you to be flexible this week. Does this mean you should practice Yoga? It wouldn’t hurt, although it might if you’re not careful. The only thing you’ve got to be careful about this week is your attitude, because if you decide to take a “my way or the highway” approach to anything you’re bound to get stuck hitching.

Taurus: Your latest decree from the Department of Redundancy Department is as follows: Stamp out, abolish, eliminate, and eradicate unnecessary redundancy! For the record, unnecessary redundancy are things like worrying, thinking about how screwed up other people are and thinking that Jay Leno and Jimmy Fallon are different people.

Gemini: Here are your questions to ponder for the beginning of August: Can you really share and share alike? What’s your favorite country music song? Why not? Surely, you must be joking? Can you live up to this Shirley MacLaine quote? “Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb, it’s where all the fruit is.”

Cancer: In honor of Joan Osborne playing in the High Sierra—and because the soulful singer is a fellow Cancer—she will provide your words of wisdom for the week. Please sing one of these lines daily: A) “What if God was one of us. Just slob like one of us, Just a stranger on the bus, trying to make his way home.” B) “Shake it, shake it Sugaree. Just don’t tell that you know me.” J)  “Just what I’ve been needin’, feel it rise in me.”