Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Virgo: To help you feel inspired for this next, glorious year of your life, please give yourself the birthday gift of adopt a saying from fellow Virgo, Sean Connery. First) “You call it luck. I call it destiny.” Next) “I take the good with the bad. I can’t love people in slices.” And finally, from SNL) Sean Connery: “I’ll take ‘Anal Bum Cover’ for $7,000.” Alex Trebek: “That’s ‘An Album Cover!’”

Libra: Being a compassionate yet somewhat unorganized Libra, you probably sometimes feel like you’re a midget trying to use a urinal—so you’ve always got be on your toes. But that’s okay, because it helps develop nice calves. If you’re sensitive about your legs, or anything in your life for that matter, never forget that cowboys love fat calves and karma loves kind people.

Scorpio: Another study has been released about the connection between sex and money. It seems that the more lovemaking we do the more money and success we have in life. The most recent study shows that people who make whoopee four or more times a week make a bit more than those less amorous folks. It seems regular boot-knocking makes us feel more confident and relaxed, so good things flow to us. Therefore, you know what to do—even if sometimes you have to do it yourself.

Sagittarius:  To help you toast the unofficial beginning of a magical autumn, laugh more often and adopt one of these Norm-isms. C) What do you say to a beer, Normie? Hiya sailor, new in town? A) What’s going on, Mr. Peterson? Another layer for winter. N) What’d you like, Normie? A reason to live. Give me a beer.

Capricorn: Now that school is getting back in full swing (and parents across the country are toasting the occasion with Mimosas), your advice will come from famous educators. From John Dewey, “Problems are the stimulus to thinking.” From Paulo Freire, “No one is born fully-formed: it is through self-experience in the world that we become what we are.” And from Helen Keller, “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.”

Aquarius: To help you understand the ways of the heart and the differences between the sexes, try chewing on this: While it’s true that women want many things from a man (strength, softness, humor, occasional nudity, financial stability and some control over bodily odors), men primarily only want two things from a woman—to be their own personal amateur erotic film star and someone to replace their mother.

Pisces: To embrace the end of summer, please adopt these sayings: “Mother Earth first! We’ll screw the other planets later!” “Wish I was here.” “Yippee! The voices are back!” “Sure everyone likes a little ass now and then, but nobody likes a smart ass.”

Aries: Your mission for the end of summer is to really enjoy it. To help, add a new bumper sticker to your life like these: A) “If you are what you eat then I’m cheap, fast and easy.” AA) “Work is the curse of the drinking class.” B)”When all else fails, lower your standards.” q) “Next time wave all your fingers at me!”

Taurus: There are those who believe that the urge for sex is really a desire for love. There are those who believe that U and I should be next to each other in the alphabet. All that really matters is what, and who, you believe in, and that you believe you deserve as much a love and loving as you can handle and still stay gainfully employed.

Gemini: Since the next couple of weeks should continue to be very social for you, please remember the following: A drunken man’s words are often a sober man’s thoughts. And from Ernest Hemingway: “Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”

Cancer: Your great questions to ponder for the week are: 1) Why do they call it a “Waffle House” if you can’t pour syrup on the walls? 2) Why is it when you do something right, almost no one remembers, but when you screw up nobody forgets? 9) Since Jesus is great at making saves, why do we waste so much time playing defense?

Leo: Since the biggest problem most Leos are going to face this fall is to stay humble, please refrain from making any such statements: 1) I’d love to explain it to you but I don’t have any Crayons. 2) I’m not stubborn. My way is just much better. 7) There are three kinds of people in this world; those who are good at math and those who aren’t!