The Hartley preview
Another NFL season. But not another NFL season with Aaron Hernandez. The former Patriot and indicted murderer was the recent subject of an exposé by Rolling Stone Magazine.
The article paints him as a complete sociopath, and sure, I’ll let you blame a lot of your psychological imbalance on your lousy upbringing. But at some point when you started putting bullets in people’s heads, you knew it was your doing, not the fact that your mom cheated on your dad with a crackhead and dealer named MEATHEAD.
More germane is the fact that Rolling Stone Magazine could uncover ALL these details about Hernandez but the New England Patriots and the VAUNTED PATRIOT WAY couldn’t uncover it before handing him a $40 million contract extension. All we have heard is how the PATRIOT WAY can take wayward NFL souls that no one else can handle and make them stand in line. What a massive load of crap. They couldn’t figure out this guy was involved in ANYTHING while he was doing PCP, allegedly being involved in a double murder, a single murder and another incident where he shot a man in the face and left him in an industrial park to die?
Ace Ventura is a better detective than the Patriots.
Anyway … what follows is the Preseason Prediction column. The one to take to Vegas and make your wallet fat – so if you actually attend an NFL game this season, you’ll be able to pay for the $13 beers.
AFC NORTH
Steelers 12-4. Rumors of the demise of the Steelers are greatly exaggerated. What always makes them relevant: great defense. Simple. When you play great defense you win a few more games than the dumbass teams that think Peyton Manning alone will bring them a championship.
Bengals 9-7. The rise of the Bengals is more exaggerated than the fall of the Steelers. I have never heard of a team getting more credit for MAKING the playoffs two years in a row in my life, and the next time Marvin Lewis outcoaches someone will be the first.
Ravens 8-8. They lost too many pieces, and for them to think their offense is going to carry this team is delusional. Oh, and paying QB Joe Flacco all that money for playing great in 4 games was like telling that girl I LOVE YOU during that 30 seconds of euphoria, only to get over your nut and realize you are stuck with her for life.
Browns 7-9. I hear QB Brandon Weeden looked good in preseason, so I tuned into a game and saw defensive coordinators laughing while they drew plays in the sand against him. In the regular season when the blitzes start flying, he will be ducking and flopping just like last year. RB Trent Richardson strikes me as a guy that will be great and injured, great and injured and every year they will wonder what will happen if he reaches his potential. See Ryan Matthews in San Diego.
AFC EAST
Every year, I say they should disband this division. There are a lot of good football players cut every year and the NFL has no developmental league. The AFC East is the de facto developmental league.
Patriots 10-6. Once again handed a weak ass division. The Pats are defensively challenged … again. They have a bunch of average RBs … again. But they get the Bills, Jets and Dolphins six times. And the Pats have that great 2 TE set. Oops. Scratch that. One injury-prone TE.
Dolphins 7-9. Incoming WR Mike Wallace is the biggest waste of $65 million since the last Kevin Costner movie.
Bills 4-12. Starting a rookie QB in EJ Manuel, whose backup is an undrafted rookie free agent. It would be one thing if Manuel was a Griffin, Luck or Wilson. He’s not.
Jets 3-13. J E T S JETS JETS JETS = M E S S MESS MESS MESS. IF you go back and read my articles from 4 or 5 years ago I said the Jets with Rex Ryan as Head Coach will end in a disastrous ugly mess. And Negrodamus was right! The GM has been fired for not only giving Mark Sanchez an extension after all his miserable play but for GUARANTEEING THE EXTENSION. The new GM was hired AFTER the owner guaranteed the idiot coach another year. Then they drafted another QB in the second round, Geno Smith, who is an abject disaster.
AFC WEST
Broncos 11-5, although this team could finish 8-8. I give the extra wins based on schedule. The Broncos defense last year was overrated because they put up a bunch of sacks, but one of the sack monsters is now in Baltimore and the other is at a crack house serving a suspension and claiming he didn’t do anything wrong. No, Von Miller isn’t lying. He showed up for a piss test and oddly “spilled his sample.” Then the sample he brought back was suspiciously “watered down.” LOL.
Chargers 6-10. Quick, name an offensive player on the Chargers besides Phillip Rivers. No, I mean one with two working legs – not Antonio Gates. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men and all of Manti Te’os harem of imaginary and mannequin girlfriends can’t salvage this team.
Chiefs 8-8. They have enough defensive talent to win a few games if Andy “the Hamburglar” Reid doesn’t ruin that defense like he did Philly’s. QB Alex Smith isn’t a disaster, and I love RB Jamaal Charles, but he better buy some insurance ‘cause Reid is about to treat him like a $3 hooker … ride him hard, abuse him and put him away wet.
DA RAIDERS 4-12. You have a better chance of getting shanked with a makeshift knife in the bleachers or getting shot in the parking lot than seeing the Raiders win a game.
AFC SOUTH
Texans 10-6. While some broadcasters would have you believe defensive end JJ Watt invented the batted pass last year, I see the window already closing for this team. QB Schaub will never be elite. They will be 10-6 and lose in the first round of the playoffs.
Colts 9-7. They are not taking a big step forward. Their big WR pickup was Darrius Heyward-Bey. Come on. And their big RB pickup was Ahmad Bradshaw, who has been known to suffer concussions just by running out of the huddle.
Titans 5-11. QB Jake Locker is not the answer. Wonder when they’ll fold that hand.
Jags 3-13. This team is so mismanaged they couldn’t even redesign their uniforms without screwing it up. Just ugly. They need the same thing the Titans need – to waste another top 10 pick on a QB.
We’ll post the NFC online. And now, a few select picks for this week:
Saints 40, Falcons 37. The Saints are going to play this game like the first game after Hurricane Katrina at the Superdome for returning-from-suspension Coach Sean Payton. Drew Brees and Co. will take out Payton’s frustrations on the Falcons defense. Then he’s going to punch himself in the nuts for hiring Rob Ryan as his defensive coordinator.
Colts 20 Raiders screwed. The best thing the Raiders can do is start Terrelle Pryor. The second best thing they can do is fire their GM. Why would anyone with a brain trade for QB Matt Flynn AND give him a guaranteed contract after seeing him get passed over in Seattle? Idiot.
49ers 33, Packers 16. The Niners are going to roach-stomp them. The Packers don’t have an offensive line right now, . The score will look closer than it actually is.
Texans 24, Chargers 6. Are you an elite QB (Philip Rivers) if not one of your receivers is a fantasy-worthy player?
Photo: www.museumofplay.org
