Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Virgo: Since we’re in the midst of the Chinese Year of the Snake, Virgos should expect to celebrate your latest birthday by rejoicing in—and planning for—great and positive changes in your personal life. This might mean new or deeper love, a stronger and/or kinkier love life and more freedom to embrace the true you. Just please remember when embracing yourself in front of a window to do so scantily clad in case Clouds is walking by.
Libra: Looks like the Stars have highlighted your social life for the month of September; and that there’s a special place in hell for people who highlight weird and useless stuff in books and then return them. To make sure you never get any such mojo, try to point out positive stuff like the following: “Did you know that when you draw a heart it’s nothing more than a V with an ass on top of it?”
Scorpio: The real difference between people is that some see signs everywhere, whereas others have no imagination whatsoever and should probably drink more, or less, as applicable. Therefore, your new soundtrack will come from the first famous boy band: “It’s been a hard day’s night and I’ve been working like a dog … but when I get home to you, I find the things that you do will make me feel alright.”
Sagittarius: Since Sagittarians tend to have many troubles with love before they find/create the right fit, and since this is as good a time as any for you to find and accept true love, the following may help explain any previous relationships: “You see the problem was I’m a Sagittarians and that other person was a jackass.”
Capricorn: In case you forgot, here are a couple wisdom McNugget refreshers for you: Knowledge is realizing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it into fruit salad; It’s always best to take life with a few grains of salt … plus a lime wedge and a shot of tequila.
Aquarius: Since Aquarians tend to be stubborn know-it-alls who don’t usually listen to Clouds, please pick your own darn advice. 1.) Herbert Hoover: “Wisdom consists not so much in knowing what to do in the ultimate as knowing what to do next.” b.) John Mayer: “You better know that in the end it’s better to say too much than to never say what you need to say.” IV.) Anonymous: “Only borrow money from a pessimist. They don’t expect it back.”
Pisces: Okay, here’s your advice for the week in plain and simple English, so don’t screw it up (you won’t!): Now is the time to take it to the next level! If this doesn’t make any sense to you it might be time to put down the bong, beer or remote control.
Aries: In honor of the latest Friday the 13th, all your advice will come from horror movies. From The Birds: “And remember, the next scream you hear may be your own!” From Mountaintop Motel Massacre: “Please do not disturb Evelyn. She already is.” And from The Lost Boys: “Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die. It’s fun to be a vampire.”
Taurus: The American Medical Association released a study that shows people who claim to have higher levels of faith/religious beliefs are far more likely to request any and all lifesaving measures be used on them than people of more casual beliefs do. What does this mean? It means that faith usually requires a couple extra chances and that the hospital would like you to start attending church more often.
Gemini: Under no circumstances should you blow off your latest assignment. If you do, you’ll really only be punishing yourself by giving your dreams detention. And even those punks from The Breakfast Club couldn’t make detention cool. Therefore, spend some time writing down your dreams for the next year—and always remember, we’re all bizarre, some of us are just better at hiding it.
Cancer: The Stars wanted to let you know that money matters will matter to you this week, but they shouldn’t. You’ll have all that you need. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, here’s something interesting: Studies show that eating salmon or mackerel makes you think faster—except when you’re hammered or pissed off.
Leo: It looks like September is going to be a real whirlwind for you. There’s action in your work and career front and something you’ve been working on should start to get wrapped up. Therefore, try not to get wrapped up in anything that might get you some bad karma, like the boss’ sheets or the undercarriage of the rumor mill.
