Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Scorpio: It looks like the Stars are promising that the next year will be a big one for Scorpios. It will provide opportunities for travel, rejuvenation and career advancement. Love lives will be tested a couple times and will either break or become more solid. Old flames will reappear, but their heat won’t last long. To help, try listening to “Home” from Phillip Phillips: “Settle down. It’ll all be clear. Don’t pay no mind to the demons. They fill you with fear. The trouble it might drag you down. You get lost you can always be found.”

Sagittarius: Clouds doesn’t know where you came from. Clouds doesn’t know where you’ll go. Clouds doesn’t know what your favorite cereal is. Clouds doesn’t know you’re favorite snow sport. All Clouds knows is that the world is a better place because you’re here, especially when you’re wearing nothing but socks and a grin.

Capricorn: If there were a “Best Hits” collection for the very determined Capricorns, one of the songs would undoubtedly have to be Neil Young’s “My, My, Hey, Hey.” As the Canadian famously croons, “Rock and roll is here to stay. It’s better to burn out than to fade away.” If you’re feeling a little burnt out right now, make sure to get yourself a change of scenery of some kind. Neil, however, doesn’t recommend spending any time in Alabama or with Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Aquarius: The Stars are reporting that a significant change may be in your near future. One of the telltale signs that it’s time to make a change is when you start to say things like the following to your friends or co-workers: a) “No thanks. I’d rather hit myself in the genitals with a tire iron than have dinner with you.” b) “I’m certainly no meteorologist, but it sure seems like it started raining a-holes around here ever since you guys showed up.”

Pisces: To help you roll smoothly through the month of November, please ponder these quotes from the film “Vision Quest” 1) “Can 800 million Chinamen be wrong? …  Frequently.” 2) “It ain’t the six minutes. It’s what happens in that six minutes.”

Aries: This much we know is true: Eating black olives makes you feel more passionate. One out of three women prefer to wear thongs. More than one-third of married men say they’d like to be stay-at-home dads. And as musician Ben Harper put it perfectly, “If you’re gonna walk the earth then walk it proud. If you’re gonna say the word you gotta say it loud.”

Taurus: The Stars are reporting that your love life is about to heat up. Therefore, try adding one of these lines to your repertoire: Uno) “How about a game of ‘Tickle My Elmo?’” Two) From the White Stripes, “Every breath you take is a gift to me.” Trois) If loving you is wrong, it looks like I’m totally screwed.

Gemini: Clouds would like to remind you that no matter how hard your life gets it’s important to remember that there’s always somebody else out there getting a worse ass-whuppin’ than you. Therefore, try to work on being more grateful for the minor beatings and small victories in your life.

Cancer: Here is your estrogen-inspired advice for the week: From Brazilian bombshell Carmen Miranda, “More affectionate than a kiss is a well-done hug. Have you ever noticed how delicious a hug can be?” And from Timothy Leary, “Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.”

Leo: Since all Leos really need to do to find true happiness right now is to simply believe in it. Here are your reasons to be hopeful: #1) A bearded band of Red Sox almost-good-enoughs just went from worst to Duck Boat Parade. #2) K-State recently gave out free bacon to fans at a women’s basketball game! 3) Leos are at their best when they follow the KISS method: Keep It Simple, Sexy

Virgo: You’ve just entered a period in which you’ll be both more emotional and more in touch with the spiritual world. To help, try regularly toasting to these lines from the late German Chancellor, Otto Von Bismarck: Eins) “When you want to fool the world, tell the truth.” Zwei) “The less people know about the makings of sausages and the law, the better they’ll sleep.” Drei) “G’Suffa!”

Libra: Since this is the perfect time to examine your spirituality, your new assignment is to watch Bill Maher’s documentary “Religulous.” The film should help you embrace the three keys to life: thinking, accepting and laughing. As Bill says, “Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings, who don’t have all the answers, to think that they do.”