Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Sagittarius: The key to this next year of your life will be to make sure you stay thankful for the opportunities that come your way as it promises to be a very busy one, especially on the work front. To help, laugh at but try adopting any of these sayings: From Groucho Marx. “No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” And from former Louisiana Governor Huey P. Long, “Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy.”

Capricorn: Recent studies have shown that 70% of people on anti-depressants still suffer from the symptoms that the pills are supposed to relieve. Therefore, Clouds would once again like to remind you that the only thing that really heals you is you. So try being more appreciative of your powers. And remember, the only thing that can ever hold you back is you, unless, of course, you’re into bondage.

Aquarius: It looks like you have a lot to be thankful for—and if you truly are thankful, more positives will be arriving shortly. All that you’ve learned about life, business and people over the last year should start to come in handy. But please remember to think before you use a  classic Aquarian excuse like: “I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.”

Pisces: Thankfully, it looks like your home and personal life should be as smooth as a baby’s bottom for the foreseeable future. Of course, babies tend to get do-do smeared all over their bottoms if they go too long without a diaper change. So please be sure to do some spiritual potty training during this period.

Aries: One of the big mistakes we all tend to make is that we waste time waiting for our ships to come in. You see, the tools to build them are already inside of us. All we have to do is believe, put some solid effort in and always be thankful that anything is possible. This may or may not help explain why a ship that leaves port with 1,000 sailors usually returns home with 500 couples.

Taurus: In case you need something to be thankful for—or need to make a toast in a pinch—there’s always this: Here’s to people who consider housecleaning a drinking game. And to people who still believe in the power of love and faith. And to people who hold up signs that say, “My Arms Are Tired!”

Gemini: One of the most interesting things about life is that sometimes, just when it seems like your dreams are making about as much progress as chickens learning to tap dance, the Universe will throw you a bone. If it looks anything like a wishbone, feel free to make a wish and it give it a good yank.

Cancer: Your new assignment is to give thanks for the following: Today. That you get to spend time in the spectacular Eastern Sierra; That you live in a country that celebrates itself by pigging out and watching football; And that “Mo-vember” is almost over. The country hasn’t had this many adult film look-alikes since President Carter was in office.

Leo: Please be thankful for inspirational lines like these. From e.e. cummings, “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” From Albert Einstein, “Creativity is intelligence having fun.” And from Ellen: “Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.”

Virgo: Your Thanksgiving assignment is as follows: Complete three random acts of kindness. Get in touch with an old friend or family member. Spend a minimum of 30 minutes a day getting fresh air. Make a sign large enough to bring to rally that reads: “A lot of things are going … pretty well, actually.”

Libra: Since Thanksgiving can be a fun, but tiring and stressful time, here are some tips to help you enjoy it all. Don’t tell anyone where they can stick the turkey baster—unless you mean it in a safe yet erotic way, of course. Take a walk when you need one. And remember what Thomas Jefferson advised, “When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.”

Scorpio: There’s no doubt about it, being more thankful for what you have helps bring more of what you want—or, being a Scorpio, less of what you’ve had enough of. Since you’re bound to have luck in the form of new business opportunities, raises, promotions and tax breaks it would probably be a good idea to start a “Hug your Accountant” campaign.