Horrorscopes
Aquarius: Now that Aquarians are celebrating birthdays, Clouds would like to pass along the following b-day wishes: May your life be too important to be taken seriously. May the road always rise to meet you. May the wind be at your back. May you have lots of love and great times in the sack. And may you always take your birthday wishes with a grain of salt—adding lime and tequila as needed.
Pisces: Your hero for the week comes from fellow Pisces and late night TV host Chelsea Handler. But it’s not just because she once said, “I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.” But because she also said, “Have some pride in yourself … even if no one else does.”
Aries: To help you keep things silky smooth and simply sexy for the rest of the winter, listen to more Marvin Gaye, because hearing lines like these will help: A) “You see, war is not the answer. For only love can conquer hate.” B) “If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else.” X) “And when I get this feeling I need sexual healing.”
Taurus: Since you get whatever it is you give out, Clouds would like to wish the following for you: May you be rich beyond your wildest dreams. May you share your riches with people like Clouds. May you have plenty of reasons to do the “No Pants Dance.” May you visit exotic places like France, Tahiti and Kernville. May you enjoy countless keg stands on the fountain of joy!
Gemini: The Stars are reporting that right now your gift of gab will be able to get you where you want to go and will help you grab anything you want to get your hands on. So don’t be surprised if you respond to a dinner invite with something clever like this: “I’d love to; so long as we’re not having jumbo shrimp, because I’m allergic to oxymorons.”
Cancer: It looks like your social and work calendars will be filled. This will probably have an impact on your love life. Relationships will either take a sharp turn, come to an end or a new one will get sizzling. Therefore, in case you find you’re in need of a little Marvin Gaye-style healing, try this line: “I’m certainly no martial arts expert, but I must admit I’m pretty damn good at tongue karate!”
Leo: It is a basic spiritual truth that whatever you send out to the world comes back to you, often twice as powerfully. Therefore, your new assignment is to not send out any vitriol or judgment, instead send out hopeful and positive stuff like love and joy, acceptance and patience, erotic Haikus and pictures of yourself scantily clad.
Virgo: It looks like one of the best places for Virgos to spend time right now is at home. After all, that’s where the heart is and as all Virgos know, you can’t have mind-shattering whoopee if your heart isn’t into it. Therefore, your assignment for the rest of the month is to be a homebody and to rely primarily on body heat for warmth.
Libra: This much we know is true: Libra’s lucky underwear colors are blue and pink. Your lucky word is “balance.” And that Clouds believes Libras can have the best year of their lives—so far, that is. Therefore, your chorus comes from the album “So Far” by Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young: “Don’t let the past remind of us what we are not now.”
Scorpio: As we all know, in life it’s all about cash, gas or ass, because no one rides for free. The good news for you is that you’ll be able to give plenty of any of the aforementioned this year, so long as you remember that the only difference between “Nowhere” and “Now here” is just a little space.
Sagittarius: The CIA has a term called a “black site.” It’s what they call classified military sites whose existence they otherwise deny. Like the rest of us, Sagittarians tend to have black sites within their personalities. Therefore, your new mission is to re-classify some of your black sites, like “Occasionally over-emotional” or “Stone-cold heart breaker,” into more positive categories like “Emotion-full” and “Horny and ornery as a minx-in-heat.”
Capricorn: Here are your tips for the week: Butt-men tend to be more trustworthy than boob-men. There’s nothing stopping you from becoming the best, happiest, most successful person you can be, except your attitude. Respect everybody, but fear no one, except for maybe people who like Ann Coulter.
