Horrorscopes

Aquarius: Folks in Asian locales recently rang in the Chinese “Year of the Horse.” Since the Chinese are big fans of horses, this year should augur well for most. Therefore, try giving yourself the birthday gifts of acceptance, self-love, thankfulness, forgiveness, a trip to someplace you’ve always wanted to visit and horniness.

Pisces: Sure, Clouds has a soft spot for Pisces, but that doesn’t mean you people can’t be total “butt-nuggets” on occasion. Therefore, your assignment for this new “Year of the Horse” is to not let your temper or capacity to not give a rat’s patootie get the better of you this month. Long walks, kick boxing classes or kicking empty boxes should help.

Aries: As a Fire Sign, the new Chinese “Year of the Horse” should smile upon your love and professional lives. Therefore, for those starting (or rekindling) some love, here’s a line to help: “There must be something wrong with my cell phone, because I haven’t received a single sext from you.”

Taurus: The Chinese “Year of the Horse” promises to make lots of folks feel like they’ve been put out to stud. Therefore, here are some lines to help you make the most of this amorous year. 1) “I may not be Fred (or Wilma) Flintstone, but I’d love to make your bedrock.” B) “Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I strut past again?” XX) “You must be carrying around a keg in your pants ‘cause I’d sure love to tap that.”

Gemini: You may find that this Chinese “Year of he Horse” has a bit of an explosive element to it. So please, as an Air Sign, remember that you can’t have an explosion without a spark and some air. That’s why preventing an explosion is really pretty easy. It only requires replacing one word, like changing spark or air into spork and art, or spank and Alf!

Cancer: Since we are now in the midst of the Chinese Year of the Wood Horse and things may be combustible, please remember to keep your cool. Deep breaths, short walks, long lovemaking sessions, good books, belly-aching laughter, streaking and spending time in nature will all help.

Leo: According to Chinese astrology, the “Year of the Horse” promises to be a very good one for fire signs like Leos. Your keys will be to stay positive, humble, open-minded and thankful—and since your love life should be as hot and lathered up as a Kentucky Derby contestant, that part should be easy. Just be sure to keep a solid pace, and to not get distracted by the bums in the cheap seats yelling profanities.

Virgo: Clouds tends to forget these HorrorScopes as soon as they’ve been sent off to press. While this may seem odd, it’s really the secret to Clouds meteoric rise to mediocrity. It’s also the key to any real magic. First you put your heart, soul, blood and guts into something, then you let it go and see how it’s flies—while you un-zip your fly, drop your trousers and start dancing around in your skivvies!

Libra: Life is always trying to teach us lessons, it’s just that we’re usually too busy to hear them or, quite frankly, don’t give a crap. To help make sure you become a better listener, try following the CARE method. C: Try to concentrate on the speaker and not just daydream about lunch. A: Acknowledge people in ways besides calling them “Dumbasses.” R: Respond without using your middle-finger. E: Empathize with something besides their undergarments.

Scorpio: The new “Chinese Year of the Horse” should be very enjoyable and well balance for most folks, but tensions will run high every once in awhile. To help things stay light and calm through such events, try adopting this line: “I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every friggin’ minute of it!”

Sagittarius: The Chinese “Year of the Horse” is wonderfully auspicious for Fire Signs like yourself. Therefore, your new attitude comes from fellow Sag, Super Bowl winning QB Russell Wilson. The slinging Seahawk had long been told that he’s too short to be a professional quarterback. But Wilson believed in himself, thanks to his dad always asking: “Russ, why not you? You have all the ability so why not you?”

Capricorn: The world record for longest “Couch Potato” is 87 hours—set last month by three iron-assed guys in Las Vegas. It’s an awful long time to be sitting on your rump, eating potato products and channel surfing. Since this is a good time for you to rest up, couch surfing is just fine. Just make sure to still get some fresh air and exercise, ideally before your butt goes numb—or begins to require its own area code.