Horrorscopes
Pisces: To celebrate you latest birthday please give yourself the following presents: 1) A strong work ethic. 2) Patience. 3) Faith. 4) A pet fish (they’re your lucky animals). 5) Someone to regularly play footsie and other such games with. 6) A sea green (your lucky color) t-shirt with this quote on it: “Let life ripen and then fall. Force is not the way at all.” –Lao Tzu
Aries: Now that Mercury is no longer retrograde and has finally passed through life like a fart through a crowded elevator, things should start to turn—and smell—much better. To make the most out of it, replenish your supplies of candles and Febreze and adopt a new catchy saying like: “Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is the best defense!”
Taurus: Your ruling planet is Venus. Your lucky color is green. You can be as stubborn as your symbol, the bull, but make up for it by being a sensual love machine. Your lucky metal is copper, your weak spot is your neck. You love to be wanted but aren’t always willing to share your spot on life’s lido deck.
Gemini: To help you embrace the last official weeks of winter, please pick your favorite following saying A) “Earth: The insane asylum of the Universe!” B) “Love your enemies. It really pisses them off!” C) “I’m high on life … and sometimes other things.” Q) “Excuse me, but I’m with the Sphincter Police and it appears you’re squeezing yours too tightly.”
Cancer: While Cancerians are primarily loving, devoted and passionate people, you also have the tendency to get close-minded and put people into tidy little boxes. But people and minds don’t belong in boxes. To help with this—and in case you ever decide to jump from a plane—pleaser remember Scotch-maker Thomas Dewar’s line: “Minds are like parachutes, they only function when open.”
Leo: Since positive momentum is barreling towards Leos like Buddhas on mountain bikes, please adopt these lines. From former Attorney General John N. Mitchell, “Our attitude toward life determines life’s attitude towards us.” From Winston Churchill, “I am an optimist. It does not seem to be much use being anything else.” And from humorist Josh Billings, “Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing `till you get there.”
Virgo: Your work life this month may be a bit bumpy. To help you become more shock absorbent, be sure to avoid any power plays and be ready to dodge any blame thrown your way—unless you deserve some blame, in which case stand up and take it like an adult and don’t just run away from it screaming like a little boy/girl/pansy.
Libra: Since the real trouble with life is that it doesn’t come with any background music, please be sure to add some quality stuff to your own. A good mixture should include some classical and some country, some hip hop and pop, and, of course, some Bob Marley: “Don’t gain the world but lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver or gold.”
Scorpio: Since Scorpios are capable of pulling off fabulous performances just when they’re needed most, your new role model is Kaitlyn Farrington. After surprising folks by making the US Olympic snowboard team at an event in Mammoth, she went on to win a gold medal. As she recently said: “It’s been amazing to tell my story because nobody’s cared until now. I get to walk around pretty much doing interviews and telling people how awesome I am. It’s just crazy. You can come from nothing and be at the top.”
Sagittarius: Since karma is as real as a jackhammer, your role model for the next year of your life is the Nation of Islam. They have a “no backstabbing” policy. You’re only allowed to say negative things about another person to that person’s face. Therefore, your new mission is to not tolerate any more backstabbing in your life. Front-stabbing of various sorts is, however, allowed and recommended.
Capricorn: Since your personal life will be soaring this month and additions to your life of some sort are probable, here’s a line that should help you build something amorous: “How about we play ‘Carpenter.’ First we’ll get hammered and then we’ll nail each other.”
Aquarius: As a rather stubborn sign, it can be easy for Aquarians to hold grudges and resentment towards others. And even though such anger feels powerful, it’s really just a ruse. Forgiveness is what holds all the power, money and hotties. Therefore, memorize some Buddha: “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
