Aries: In case you were looking for some good birthday gifts to give yourself this year, Clouds offers up some ideas: Self-love, Time with good friends; Good times with friends with benefits; Time with nature; Time to go au natural; And to remember you prefer quality over quantity—even when it comes to beer or boot-knocking

Taurus: To help embrace the arrival of spring, do a couple of the following things: Visualize wearing shorts more often; Visualize world peas. Visualize whirling some of your favorites parts of life together; And remember that it’s okay if life sometimes seems like a roller coaster, so long as it doesn’t make you Ralph!

Gemini: North Dakota was named the happiest state last year, while West Virginia was named unhappiest. California was 17th. Idaho 29th and Montana grabbed 5th place. To help make sure you’re in the right state when they do the voting this year, try thinking about what really makes you happy and not just about what makes you happy in your ski pants.

Cancer: It looks like your social life is still in the midst of a mogul run. To help prevent your from having a total yard sale, please keep the following thoughts present in your mind: Everybody can be an a-hole every once in awhile; Everybody could use a little help every now and again; And it’s never, under any circumstances, a good idea to say,” You’re about useful as a condom stapled to a safe sex pamphlet.”

Leo: To help you humbly accept this next wonderful phase of your life, please enjoy these great quotes. From Dale Earnhardt, Jr, “The only way to be productive is to be positive.” From Hilaire Bellec, “We wander for distraction, but we travel for fulfillment.” And from Clouds, “Whenever things don’t seem to make sense, it’s usually time for some naked nonsense.”

Virgo: Even though they don’t always want to admit it, most Virgos are happiest when they’re paired up, especially when they’re paired up with someone with a nice pear-shaped bottom. Of course, while Clouds loves them all, there’s a noticeable weakness for apple, plum and watermelon-shaped bottoms.

Libra: Love is not supposed to be boastful. It’s not supposed to be loud. Of course, neither one of these commandments applies to love making, which is best when it’s a bit of both. So try to remember that if it’s not mostly fun, with occasional dashes of infuriating, exhausting and downright ridiculous, you’re not doing it right!

Scorpio: Since March is “Humorists are Artists Month” Clouds would like to pass along the following art: If at first you don’t succeed, try cheating next time. If at first you don’t succeed, throw a hissy fit. If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else. If at first you don’t succeed, roll up your sleeves, dust yourself off and get back after it like I just stole your favorite sweatshirt and kicked your dog!

Sagittarius: Every once in awhile, even your faithful Ass-trologer gets overwhelmed by it all and wants to basically scream: “F-It! Clouds is going to pack up everything and disappear into some seedy, sun-soaked segment of America. The type of place where the rivers run full of tequila, and where skinny dipping isn’t just allowed, it’s recommended!” In case you’ve been having similar feelings, Clouds is asking you to hang in there, the worm is getting ready to turn!

Capricorn: March is “National Nutrition Month.” And since it’s almost over, this would be the perfect time to try to eat healthier – because you wouldn’t have to sustain it for too long. For starters, consult this handy dietary guide. Good things to eat: sautéed Brussels sprouts, sushi, free-range cattle, raisins and edible underwear donned by someone you have a sweet tooth for. Bad things to eat: lard, Bon-Bons by the bucket, Fried Twinkies and raisins soaked in brandy (except on special occasions) and edible underwear donned by members of ZZ Top.

Aquarius: Here are your odd stats of the week: The left breast is usually the larger one; The average love making session lasts just over seven minutes; Women are twice as likely to achieve orgasmic levels with someone they’re in a relationship with as opposed to a hookup. Aquarians lucky days are Hump Days, aka “Wednesdays.”

Pisces: Since there’s been a lot on your plate recently, the Stars are going to set aside some time for you to rest and rejuvenate as the month comes to a close. To make the most of this, start making plans now and leave your attitude, stress and desires to hang co-workers up by their short-and-curlies at home.