Horrorscopes
Aries: One of the challenges of this next year for Aries will be to try to curb your reckless pursuit of all life has to offer. This doesn’t mean you can’t still enjoy life’s fruits and nectars. It simply means that you should try to savor each bite a little more, and maybe not just dive head-first, hootin’ and hollerin’ into life’s gardens before at least checking for thorns and snakes first—especially when you’re buck naked!
Taurus: Your life may start to seem like it’s a late night re-run of The Night of the Living Dead, as the Stars say odd and old relationships in your life will start rising up like farts in a bathtub. Your key will be to view these opportunities as blessings and lessons you’re getting a chance to either re-do or finally complete, only this time don’t blame all the farts on the person sitting next to you.
Gemini: The annual Earth Day celebration will be held on April 22. It’s a day set aside each rainy April to honor Mother Earth and to try stop neglecting and beating the snot out of her so much. To help accomplish this, try being more globally conscious and try to add some Earth, Wind and Fire to your soundtrack: “You’re a shining star, no matter who you are. Shining bright to see, what your life can truly be.”
Cancer: The Stars are telling you to be lazy for the rest of the month. This should be just the excuse you were looking for to stock up on ice cream, juicy novels and to use this line: “My socks are having a party. Would your pants like to join `em?” Whatever you do, don’t let anyone shame you about wearing a Snuggiee or a Hoodie-Footie; unless you’re wearing one at the bar.
Leo: Good news Leos, your work life has just taken a turn towards success! To help make the most out of this, please spend some time every day actively daydreaming about such success. And, yes, it’s okay if you mingle in some daydreaming about sex-excess, too. It’ll help to listen to more Bob Marley as well: “Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy! Don’t bury your thoughts, put your dream to reality, yeah!”
Virgo: Clouds doesn’t claim to know too much about life except for these three things: I) Holding a grudge doesn’t get you anywhere. II) Both getting and givin’ love makes you happy. Tres) Laughter is the best medicine whenever the bars are closed. Now take these words of wisdom and go out there and tackle the world. P.S. You may want to wear a helmet and elbow pads. It gets rough out there.
Libra: The Stars are reporting that your keys to success for the foreseeable future are: A) Work hard for the love of it, not for the outcome. B) Be present, not omni-present. C) See by not looking, find by not searching, and enjoy every friggin’ moment of it all without even trying!
Scorpio: The Stars are saying you should start getting to the bottom of things. You know, dig, deep and find out what the truth is, what the foundation is really made out of. This won’t be that easy, but it will be worth it. So hang in there and please be advised that it’s not the occasional cold shoulder that tough, it’s the knee to the groin.
Sagittarius: Your words of wisdom for the week come from fellow Sag Jessica Simpson. As she once said while visiting Capitol Hill, “Love is the universal language and the most important thing in the world.” Proving that even yummy mummies who bring Louis Vuitton bags on camping trips can be brilliant every once in awhile, too.
Capricorn: There’s nothing huge going on for you right now, ass-trologically speaking. Therefore, please use the following advice at your own discretion: Always look before you leap! Sometimes loves means having to say, “Go screw yourself!” Karma affects income. The only time a woman wishes she were older is when she’s pregnant.
Aquarius: Please be advised that your appeal to others has just been turned up a notch from “Lukewarm” to “Scorching-your-under-shorts.” To help, be prepared to hear lots of stuff like, “You must be from Tennessee, because you’re the only ten I see.”
Pisces: It looks like the Stars just pointed things in a positive direction for your financial life. To make the most of this, try to have more appreciation for money and what it allows. To help, you new motto is: “Make love. Not debt.” And your lucky line is: “I’d love to fondle your pastries!”
