Horrorscopes
Taurus: For many Tauruses, the sweetest words they can ever utter are: #1 “I told you so.” #2 “I love you.” #3 “I only want to (finger quotes) cuddle.” #s 4,5,6 & 33.) “Do we have anything good to eat?” To help you be as loving—and lovable—as possible, adopt a new motto as a birthday present to yourself. This one isn’t too bad: “I appreciate you for who you are, even when you’re acting like a total tool.”
Gemini: Thanks to your ruling planet of Mars, which is moving its merry way through your life in powerful ways right now, your ability to connect and inspire others will be at an all time high. Therefore, your new role model isn’t the “Wolf of Wall Street,” it’s Ron from the “Dallas Buyers Club.” But don’t worry, they both get shagged like carpets.
Cancer: Looks like the Stars are getting set to tinker with your work life. If you’re in need of a change, raise or promotion, here are some tips for your personal sales pitch: Experts say old terms like “Excellent Team Player” or “Bottom-line Oriented” are out. So try these new ones, “Can Party with Anyone.” “Handles Numbers like a Bookie.” “Capable of Kicking Some Serious Fanny!”
Leo: If life were a video game called “The Demons of Doubt, Fear and Cheap Beer” there’s no doubt that Leos would be cast as the Demon Slayers; characters that are covered in little more than loincloths, carry a cool sword and/or whip and a flirtatious smile. Therefore, please stop forgetting your natural butt-whooping, high-fiving and booty knocking ways!
Virgo: To help remind you to always think before speaking or acting out of anger, your anti-role models for the week are: Donald Sterling, Edie Brickell and Paul Simon. To help, remember it’s better to just sneak out the back, Jack, or make new plan, Stan. You don’t need to act like an a-hole, Joel, since silence can set you free, Leigh!”
Libra: There are people out there who say that the key to a happy, healthy relationship is as simple as regularly holding hands and being able to share embarrassing stories. Of course, people who give (and follow) such advice are what we call “enlightened,” “beloved” and “well-laid.”
Scorpio: Scorpios should be working on their attitudes towards life right now. To help remind you of the importance of laughing about it all, here are some mantras-in-need-of-a-little-help. I) “I have the power to channel my thoughts into ever-expanding levels of suspicion and paranoia.” II) “I am at one with my duality!” C) “I can easily add humor to my life daily by simply finding somebody else to laugh at!”
Sagittarius: Sagittarians don’t like to feel caged in, physically or spiritually. That’s why you tend to be pretty happy as spring arrives. In case you’re having trouble embracing happiness, please adopt one of these sayings: a) “Sometimes it’s a lot more fun to stroll than it is to run.” #) “ I accept full responsibility for my life, except for the parts I blame on other people!”
Capricorn: Sooner or later, all good things do come to an end. But that’s only because most good things aren’t selfish and know they’re only allowed so much time before they should move on to make room for some new good things. This is yet another reason why it’s a good idea to always wear clean underwear, because you never know when your next good thing is going to buy you a drink at the bar.
Aquarius: The Stars are whispering things to you like “cultivate relaxed alertness” and “practice casual perfectionism.” They’d also like you to start whispering these things to yourself. If this seems odd, don’t worry, Jesus, Jerry Garcia and Shirley MacLaine heard voices, too, and they all seemed to make something impressive out of their lives.
Pisces: As April gives way to May, Pisces’ attitudes towards life are certain to start soaring into more positive realms. To help get you moving in the right direction, here are a few things to be happy about: Fresh air is still free and mostly fresh. There are no accidents, only lawsuits, miracles and karma. The only reason you don’t have it all is because you don’t have enough room to fit it!
Aries: Since red is your lucky color, and because laughter attracts luck, please enjoy these quotes from the late, great comedian Redd Foxx. 1) “Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.” Two) “When you can see the handwriting on the wall, you’re in the toilet.” III) “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.”
