Horrorscopes
Gemini: Since this is a time when strong and long-term relationships of all types will first spark, please select your advice from these “How I Met Your Mother” quotes. A) “Whenever I’m sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.” B) “There are a lot of little reasons why the big things in our lives happen.” L) “That’s what corporate America wants: People who seem like bold risk takers, but never actually do anything.”
Cancer: Here are your High Sierra tips for the week 1) Drink lots of water. Two) Apply sunscreen liberally. 3) Apply love even more liberally. 4) Life is time and time is all there is. 5) Please don’t feed, fondle or pat the wildlife, especially the local political candidates, as they may be rabid and/or disoriented.
Leo: June promises to be a good and busy month for Leos, especially where your career is involved. Just be sure to not let anything, little or big, get the better of you. Basically, keep your cool before you pull a Pat Sajak, the “Wheel of Fortune” host recently called people who believe in global warming “unpatriotic racists.” In response, Conan O’Brien reported scientists said they’d like to buy an “F” and a “U.”
Virgo: This much we know is true: Nobody’s ever going to love you if you can’t love yourself. No one besides Clouds that is, who loves you like you were a new puppy wrapped in a blanket of c-notes and delivered by the scantily-clad cast from “How I Met Your Mother.” So at least you’ve got that going for you.
Libra: Here are your big questions to ponder while sitting under the shade of a big tree: I) Why do we hold on to negative thoughts like they’re loaded crack pipes? 2) What was the best thing before sliced bread? Tres) If not now, when? IV) Whatever the heck happened to Preparations A through G?
Scorpio: Dyslexia is a disease where the person sees letters and words all scrambled up like a Denver omelet. But it turns out, as usual, that what at first appears to be a curse, can really be a blessing. Dyslexic people tend to be more creative and perceptive than the rest of us. Plus, the “ABCs” are really backwards anyway. What we really need to learn are our “CBAs:” Conceive, Believe, Achieve!
Sagittarius: To help you balance your several personalities, please pick one of these three mantras and place it on your bathroom mirror. A) “The future belongs to those willing to get their hands dirty.” B) “Great love and great achievement require great risk.”-Dalai Lama. C-minus) When everything seems to be going well, you’ve obviously overlooked something.
Capricorn: Dancing, be it done at a club, in the car or the boudoir, on top of tables at Lakanuki or across the front lawn, is good for you. It gets the good chemicals to release from your noodle. Therefore, try dancing along to some words from Robert Hunter: “I spent a little time in the mountains. I spent a little time on the hill. Saw some things gettin’ out of hand. But I guess they always will.”
Aquarius: Here are your words of inspiration for the week, please pass `em along: 1) The best things in life aren’t things. 2) Worrying is a waste of time, energy and potential hanky-panky time. A+) Never let the stinkin’ bastards get the best of you!
Pisces: The Stars are happy to report that your fun meter is about to fly right out of the coop! To help get you in a fun-loving mindset, here are some random chicken-related quotes: From President Lyndon B. Johnson: “Boys, I may not know much, but I know chicken poop from chicken salad.” From an old Japanese proverb: “It is better to be the head of chicken than the rear end of an ox.”
Aries: Fellow Aries, poet and biographer Maya Angelou passed away last week. Therefore, she’ll provide your advice. I) “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude about it.” II) “We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated.” III) “Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud.”
Taurus: Good news! The Stars are reporting June will bring along numerous blessings for your life. To help you embrace them, your advice comes from famed architect Frank Lloyd Wright, “Regard it as just as desirable to build a chicken house as to build a cathedral.” And your anti-advice will come from John “Bluto” Blutarsky: “My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.”
