Horrorscopes
Cancer: When LeBron James made his first decision to dis Cleveland for Miami, The Onion ran the following headline: “James, Bosh, Wade Decide Nickname Will Be: The Three-Headed Sh*tstorm!” Since you’re in the midst of tearing through life like every loose ball and rebound was meant for you, and since it’s time to redeem yourself like “King James” has, try giving that little positive angel on your shoulder a more positive and exciting nickname. Clouds suggests “Angel Bootylicious!”
Leo: It looks like this is the perfect time for you start a new project or business of your own. Of course the keys to your success will be the same as ever: Work hard. Have faith. Put your heart into it. Believe in sweat equity and yourself. Visualize sweet success. Give yourself a break. Don’t get addicted to Crystal Meth.
Virgo: One of the best things we humans can do for ourselves, physically, spiritually and psychologically is to regularly get outside and get some exercise, sunshine and fresh air. If you’re having trouble finding the time to get out, try asking yourself this question: “What fits your schedule better: exercising for an hour a day or being dead for 24 hours a day?”
Libra: Here are your big questions to ponder for the week: How can something be “new” and “improved” at the same time? Are eyebrows considered facial hair? Why aren’t you visualizing the life of your dreams more often? How do you know when you’re out of invisible ink? Where do you go after you get to the top?
Scorpio: The Stars are saying this is a good time to get some down time. If you want to get down and boogie that’s fine, too, just be sure to include your family in some of your rejuvenating and/or boogying activities. To help, try adding some Sly and the Family Stone to your inner Pandora profile: “I am no better and neither are you. We’re all the same whatever we do … I-I-I am everyday people!”
Sagittarius: Okay Sags, here are some reasons to keep your attitude so positive you’re tooting cotton candy and burping smiles—just like you were born to! Sunshine is still free. You deserve to be loved; all you’ve got to do is accept it. You can read and, obviously, have great reading taste. You deserve to be fondled just the way you like it—unless you’re in Alabama, in which case, some of what you like may be illegal.
Capricorn: With summer in full swing, here are some Stay Cool Tips: Q) Wear more linen. Arrow) Eat spicy foods—they help your body cool down. Iceberg) Put wet cloths on your wrists or forehead. Finger) Have Clouds or a significant other give you a sponge bath. Waitress) Be more like Fonzi! Just the…)Embrace nudity—or anyone naked and willing to be embraced.
Aquarius: To help relieve you of any work, friend or friends-with-benefits stress, here are some of the Greatest Movie Insults of All-Time: From the Three Amigos, “You son of a mother-less goat.” From Princess Leia, “You stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking, nerf-herder.” And from Monty Python and the Holy Grail,“ I fart in your general direction.”
Pisces: Your keys to happiness and success right now are simple: Stay patient and be accepting. It will also help to restrain yourself from referring to anyone as the business end of a donkey, the working part of a door or to suggest they go eat a Richard.
Aries: If there’s one thing Aries could be better at, it’s being good nurses for yourselves. To help, please adopt one these lines from the world’s most famous nurse, Florence Nightingale I) “How very little can be done under the spirit of fear.” IV) “Were there none who were discontented with what they have, the world would never reach anything better.”
Taurus: Since you’re still in the midst of a period when your personality is more attractive than a dumpster full of honey is to a black bear, this would be as good a time as any for singles to make a move on someone who catches your eye. To help start, or simply relight, a spark, try this one out: “It’s a good thing I’ve got my library card with me, because I’m totally checking you out.”
Gemini: To help you make the most out of the next year of your life, please study these tips from the book “Marketing Lessons from the Grateful Dead:” Defy convention; it cuts down on competition. Be transparent; being real is better than being perfect. Reward loyalty; it rewards you back. Be techno-savvy; dance to the sounds of the future. And from “Clouds Garcia,” Always be sure to regularly blow out your mental farts.
