Horrorscopes
Scorpio: The next year for Scorpios promises slow but steady progress in all areas of life. To make the most out of it, work on being more present, give more presents, present yourself as you wish to be and not who you’re afraid you are. And remember this line from Bill “Calvin and Hobbes” Watterson: “The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.”
Sagittarius: A recent story in the New York Times argued that having a positive attitude doesn’t assure success, and can even lead to failure. Well pardon Clouds’ French, but the author clearly has a “merdique” attitude and has never watched the San Francisco Giants play. The only way to achieve is to first believe, especially if you’re trying to prove some ridiculous point just to keep your ego happy.
Capricorn: Since Caps don’t always enjoy Halloween as much as they should, Clouds would like to suggest the following costumes to make sure you get in touch with your delighted inner child: Spongebob Squarepants, a police officer, a pirate of Caribbean, African or butt descent, Batman/woman, a tree, or Patrick Star, who once said, “I have some choice words for him like ‘you,’ and ‘are,’ and ‘a jerk!’”
Aquarius: To help you embrace your inner rock star, please start singing along to fellow Pisces, Justin Timberlake: 1) “What goes around, goes around, goes around, goes around comes back around.” 2) “Cry me a river, build a bridge and get over it.” 9) “There’s nothing wrong with shooting for the stars.”
Pisces: Please keep in mind that what you don’t have you don’t really need, and what you don’t need you already have plenty of. If this all sounds confusing, don’t worry. Worrying is useless behavior anyway, but lovemaking never is. Therefore, your assignment is to love yourself more. Just don’t do so in public unless you want to start meeting some really strange people like police officers or Clouds fans.
Aries: With autumn in full swing, it’s the perfect time to organize and clean up your life and/or yard. Please remember that whenever you’re raking the metaphorical leaves of your life or you’re doing something that your future self will be thankful for, there’s always a nice glass of wine or whiskey and a warm fire waiting for you when you’re done.
Taurus: This much we know is true: It’s always Hammertime somewhere! It’s a lot harder to dance to the “YMCA” in Japanese. Studies have shown that spending time with people we love makes us healthier and happier. You should never squat while wearing spurs. If you’re living your life without giving an “f” you’re living a lie.
Gemini: Now is a perfect time for you to sit back and spend some time assessing your life. See if you’ve applied anything you’ve learned recently to it. If you haven’t, it’s time. For if Clouds has learned nothing, there’s always this: Karma doesn’t just have a long memory, it’s also a popular name for exotic dancers in Reno.
Cancer: Since the good people of this sign are good at healing, it seems only fitting that your advice comes from a poet. Dylan Thomas A)“When one burns one’s bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.” B) “Do not go gentle into that good night but rage, rage against the dying of the light.” I) “Somebody’s boring me. I think it’s me.”
Leo: With fall in full effect, this would be a great time for Leos to do a little R, R & R (Rest, Recover and Rejuvenation). Big things are heading your way Leos, so get some downtime while you can. These words from Lao-Tzu should help: “But let life ripen and then fall. Will is not the way at all.”
Virgo: It’s once again time for ghosts and goblins, tricks and treats, sweets and cuddling during chilly nights. To celebrate, (and in case you still need a Halloween idea) find your inner Dalai Lama. If this means wearing little more than a bathrobe and a smile, so be it. As His Holiness said, “Anything—external as well as internal—which ultimately brings happiness is positive.”
Libra: It looks the Stars are going to be heating up your love life later this week. To make the most out of it, be sure to carve out some quality “us-time” if you’re in a relationship and if you’re not, be prepared to start something new. Either way it will help to make sure you’ve cleaned up and done all applicable grooming, especially since everyone isn’t necessarily into the ‘fro down below’ or that fresh out of the gym smell.
