Horrorscopes
Scorpio: Since this next year of your life is all about making solid progress at manifesting your biggest dreams, please adopt these quotes from fellow Scorpio, actress Sally Field: #1) “It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else’s eyes.” #2) “You just do the best you can with what you’ve got … and sometimes magic strikes.” #~)“What I look for mostly in a man is humor, honesty and a mustache.”
Sagittarius: Studies have shown that 70% of people on anti-depressants still suffer from the symptoms that the pills are supposed to relieve. Therefore, Clouds would once again like to remind you that the only thing that really heals you is you being open, welcoming and thankful for life, along with heavy doses of fresh air, sunshine, and regular sessions of playing “Doctor.”
Capricorn: A positive outlook on life has been shown to add an average of seven years to your lifespan. This just goes to prove that the Universe is always happy to reward you with more of what you like, even if it’s self-destructive. So quit your complaining, unless all you like about your life is that you can complain about it, in which case, please happily continue—you’ll be done sooner than you think.
Aquarius: One of the big mistakes we all tend to make in life is wasting time waiting for our ships to come in. You see, our ships can’t come to us unless we provide a safe, welcoming and well-lit harbor. That’s why ships that leave port with 1,000 sailors sometimes get lost at sea, while other times they return home with 500 couples.
Pisces: Your role model for the week is new Cubs manager and fellow Pisces, Joe Maddon. Upon accepting the job of trying to lead Cubbies to their first World Series victory sin ce 1908, Maddon held his first press conference at a bar in Wrigleyville, where he announced, “You have to have a little bit of crazy to be successful … You need to be crazy to be great!”
Aries: Studies have shown that people are actually more productive if they take frequent short breaks to do things like surf the net, grab a cup of joe or do some Tweeting or Facebooking. Studies have also shown that people who Tweet regularly are twice as likely to “pleasure themselves” on any given day. Therefore, remember Eric Hoffer’s quote: “To be aware how fruitful the playful mood can be is to be immune to the propaganda of the alienated, which extols resentment as a fuel of achievement.”
Taurus: As Thanksgiving and the accompanying holidays get set to speed on past like cops with lights blaring in hot pursuit, please pick a character from the old TV show CHiPs to be your new role model. After all, both Ponch and Jon were pretty much happy-go-lucky pacifists who never fired their weapons during its six seasons. As Ponch said, “A fist fight never proved nothin’ except you’re dumb.”
Gemini: Geminis are at their best when they’re learning, exploring, expanding and not getting caught up in all the little personal dramas that drag down society in general the way the Kardashian family does to our general intelligence. Besides, the only choice you really have in life is your attitude, and sometimes whether or not you’d like fries.
Cancer: Your home and personal lives should be a smooth as baby’s bottom for the foreseeable future. Of course, babies tend to get itchy and rash-covered bottoms if they go too long with out a diaper change. Therefore, please be sure to do plenty of spiritual potty training and to reward yourself with a bottle of your favorite thing to put in a sippy cup.
Leo: All that you’ve learned about life, business and people over the last couple of years should start to come in handy now. But this doesn’t mean you’re allowed to run around saying, “That’s right. I’m the sh!t, so why don’t you take a big whiff.” But you can certainly think it and write it in your journal.
Virgo: Virgos usually have very good senses of humor, which always come in handy in life. Therefore, please enjoy these lines: “Getting waylaid usually isn’t nearly as fun as it sounds.” “I secretly believe the gene pool could use more chlorine!”
Libra: To help Libras embrace this giving, chaotic and occasionally butt-ass cold time of year, please adopt one of these lines. From fellow Libra, Sting. “When the world is running you down. You make the best of what’s still around.” And from Clouds, “Be present. Be a present. Appreciate the present. It’s the only place anything really happens anyway.”
