Horrorscopes
Sagittarius: With age usually comes wisdom, experience and hair growth in strange places. To embrace this next year of your life and all the promise for contentment it comes with, please work on being more thankful and compassionate, and remember the more you learn, the more you realize just how much you don’t know, like just how many hair removal options there are out there.
Capricorn: Your new role model is fellow Capricorn, Derrick Gordon. Earlier this month, Gordon became the first openly gay guy to play college basketball. Despite fears that people would hate or attack him, the UMass hoopster has been greeted by ovations and positive chants everywhere he’s played. Therefore, try being more open and forgiving with yourself, and then happily accept any “And Ones” you get!
Aquarius: Jelling is a town in Denmark. It’s what we call it when we’re really connecting with others. Jellyfish are made up of only 5 percent solid matter. Jelly donuts, much like happiness, often make up for in height what they lack in length. And your new motto comes from poet Kevin Young’s book Jelly Roll: “I am counting blessing I never before spoke.”
Pisces: To make the most out of Turkey Day, here are a few ways to say thanks: “Thanks for spending one of the best days of your life with me.” “Thank you for showing me what real friendship is all about, and reminding me how self-centered the other a-holes are.” “Thanks for setting the bar so low … but at least keeping it well stocked.” “Thanks for accepting me for the spacy, sarcastic, but fun and loving person I am.”
Aries: Since thankfulness is the theme of the week, please give some thoughts and words of thanks. To help, here’s a sentence that may come in handy some day: “You don’t have to thank me for saying ‘Happy Birthday,’ but you should thank me for showing you my birthday suit!”
Taurus: There is a star reflecting pool in the remains of Machu Picchu that’s designed so that you don’t have to look up to see the stars. This seems like an odd idea for a place tucked so high in the mountains of Chile that it feels like you can actually reach up and touch the stars. So this may help explain why the skilled engineers who built the place eventually disappeared. They missed the point: To occasionally look up and to give thanks!
Gemini: This much we know is true: The average American eats 16 pounds of turkey per year. The first Thanksgivings actually lasted three-days. The turkey almost beat out the bald eagle for our national bird. If you don’t appreciate your first round, you really don’t deserve seconds, thirds, or even a midnight snack.
Cancer: Couples that laugh together have a better chance not only of staying together, but of actually enjoying the relationship. To help you enjoy any type of coupling in your life, remember this advice: Never squat while wearing spurs. It’s best to keep the fights clean and the love-making and dishes dirty.
Leo: Even though many Leos have been facing some tough challenges recently, the Stars are reporting you should start practicing your thanking skills. To help get you started, here are a few things to be thankful for: That you’re a Leo and big dreams are arriving. That you get to spend time in the glorious “Range of Light,” as John Muir called the Sierra Nevada. That you’re not Bill Cosby or a big investor in Jell-O Pudding Pops.
Virgo: To help you make the most out of this season to give thanks, kindness or at least temporary tolerance to your family and neighbors, please enjoy fellow Virgo Jimmy Fallon’s words whenever you’re feeling stressed: 1) “Thank you ‘Uggs’ for having the most honest product name.” 2) “Thank you to the phrase ‘greatest thing since sliced bread’ for making me seriously wonder who’s in charge of deciding what the greatest thing is.”
Libra: With good energy highlighting family and community as the holiday season gets underway, you should have plenty to be thankful for. Unfortunately, this will be one of the rare occasions when Clouds’ normal celebratory advice of full frontal nudity should be largely ignored, as most of your family just doesn’t want to see that much of you.
Scorpio: The Stars are reporting that what’s holding Scorpios back from fulfilling their biggest dreams in life is simply being able to properly articulate them. Therefore, spend some time each day not only thinking about and visualizing what you really want in life, but say them aloud as well. Remember, though, that just like your favorite underwear, you shouldn’t share them with just anybody.
