Horrorscopes
Capricorn: The Stars are reporting that 2015 will be a year for you to relax–-something Caps always need to work on—and enjoy your life more. If you’re looking for better news than this, well then this would be the perfect time to work on your new attitude. So please repeat some variation of this every morning for the next year: “I deserve to be happy, at peace and have an extremely fulfilling and borderline pornographic love life. All I need to do is be present and chill my exceptionally beautiful behind out.”
Aquarius: You’re probably feeling a little beat-up after the last couple of years and could use a smoother road ahead, one with nicer views and better drive thru food options. Well then you’ll be happy to know that the Stars are reporting your road for 2015 should be as smooth as freshly poured pavement and should include plenty of In-N-Out Burgers, coffee kiosks and bars that have weekly Wednesday, aka “Hump Day” (your lucky day), specials.
Pisces: Since love and romance are your themes for 2015, here are some ways to get extra good karma in those categories. Bathe regularly, get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and remove hair as needed. Be your natural kind, creative, compassionate and passionate self. Offer advice like: “It looks like you’re suffering from a deficiency of vitamin Me.”
Aries: Even though the year will get off to a slow start, it promises to a very positive one that’s abundant with opportunity. So please remember that while the mailman doesn’t always ring twice, opportunity prefers to knock and may send a text or email to let you it’s coming. All you’ve got to do is answer the door—with or without your pants on, depending on what the situation calls for. Trust your gut.
Taurus: If you were going to give 2015 a mantra, it would be something along the lines of “I embrace the new, improved and much happier me!” If you were going to get a new bumper sticker this year, it should probably read something like “When nothing goes right, go left!” or “I bet Jesus would have used His turn signal!” or “Sometimes I wrestle with my demons, sometimes we cuddle.”
Gemini: 2015 will be a very cerebral year. It be a year where your mind will be able to expand—as it will be required to in order to deal with co-workers and family members. The key will be to remember to simply accept and support others, because its not your job to judge anybody, even though doing so can be fun, especially at cocktail parties, coffee shops or the circus.
Cancer: This rather challenging period that Cancer has been going through is soon to come to an end. All you’ve got to do is hang in there for a few more months and the worm will undoubtedly turn. To help, do not do any of the following until the spring equinox arrives—and then do so at will: Drink the worm from a bottle of tequila. Do “the Worm,” “the Centipede,” “the Macarena” or any such insect-related dance move. Hang out with Dennis “The Worm” Rodman. Time travel through any wormholes.
Leo: The Stars are happy to report that after years of struggle and effort, 2015 is going to be one of the best years of your life. The waiting is over. Your time is arriving, all you’ve got to do is keeping being you and enjoying the rewards. It will help to repeat Wayne Dwyer daily: “Good things are going to happen.” And to sing and shake your groove-thang to Nas: “I know I can. I know I can. Be what I want to be. Be what I want to be.”
Virgo: It looks like 2015 will be broken down into to halves for you. The first will involve patience, hope and faith. The second half is more along the lines of “Thank God!” It’s about damn time!” “Hell yeah!” So please keep on keeping on and remember this Will Rogers’ line: “Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”
Libra: 2015 is going to be a very good year for most signs, but it is an especially lucky one for Libras. Your biggest dream will be at hand, so please be sure that you don’t let your occasionally subtly vindictive Libra moments turn that hand into a fist (unless its going to be bumping) or middle finger (unless you’re doing so to state you’re #1 or you happen to cross paths with a Jameis Winston fan).
Scorpio: The Stars are using terms like “rebirth,” “relief,” “rejoice,” and “rinse, lather and repeat” for you in 2015—apparently you’ll want great hair whenever possible, as appearances are important to you, especially when you’re going to be in the spotlight, or at least in charge of the spotlight. So stay positive, appreciative and remember that Redbull may give you wings, but tequila gives you cojones!
Sagittarius: To put it in technical terms, your 2015 is going to be “totally bitchin’!” So you’re probably going to need to work on your cardio, staying hydrated, limber and thankful. The Stars are reporting that on a Rock Star scale of 1 to 10, your year will be at worst a 7 (Boy Band or Country Pop star status) to a 9 (coaches from The Voice not named Gwen Stefani, Justin Timberlake, or Taylor Swift’s next boyfriend).
