Year in review: Personals

If you’re looking for love in all the wrong places, that means you’re probably reading The Sheet personals. Here’s a sampling of the year’s best.

I saw you … passed out on New Year’s Eve. Unfortunately, you passed out on Paris time and woke up on Sydney time.

In search of … a New Year’s resolution, but will settle for a sixpack and multiple viewings of “I Hate My Butt.”

I hope to see you … over MLK weekend, because I have had many dreams about you, that one day, this nation will rise up – this nation being a metaphor, of course

I saw you … just came up with a new marketing slogan for Mammoth. Bodie West may have a nice ring to it, but …

I hope to see you … on a podium someday, and I hope you’re not wearing underwear when it happens.

I hope to see you … at the Grand Prix after-party, because the Olympic sendoff I want to give you is illegal in 14 states

In search of … a full pipe. I really don’t understand this obsession with a half.

I saw you … reported a 27% decrease in crime. Hmm. Has there really been a drop in actual crime, or has the dept. experienced a corresponding increase in Facebook usage and doughnut consumption?

I saw you … are no longer a vegetarian. Coincidentally, you’re no longer starving either.

In search of … a new drug. One that won’t make me sick. One that won’t make me crash my car. One that won’t make me feel three feet thick. And one that won’t turn me into Philip Seymour Hoffman.

I heard you … say that no current Town Council member understands danger sports – except Matthew Lehman. Now wait a second. Three Councilmembers are married, so they understand danger sports in a way that Lehman can’t even conceive of.

I see you … are running for Town Council I suggest “Secret Agent Man” as your campaign theme song. Opening lyric: “There’s a man who leads a life of danger!”

I hope to see us all … digging out from under a lot of snow this weekend. Afterwards, let’s build snowmen, drink some Schnappes, and play hide the corn cob pipe.

I hope to see you … on Fat Tuesday, which, given the sensitivity I have for my own weight, I choose to call 35+ BMI Tuesday.

I hope to see you … at the Rafters Mardi Gras party. Just so long as you don’t call me “gras.”

I saw you … at the Lego Movie. Wish you would have come over to my place afterward to smoke some Nerf.

I saw you … out shredding on Tuesday. Expecting an IRS audit this year?

In search of … someone to help me do my taxes. I know the form says EZ but I’ve been stoned since January.

I saw you … on April Fools Day. And it reminded me, ‘Oh, that’s right, it’s April Fools Day’

I hope to see you … at the pond skim. Maybe afterwards we can go home and celebrate Easter by doing what rabbits like to do.

In search of … my own little Easter Bunny, and I have a weakness for milk chocolate.

I saw you … at Tuesday night’s candidate forum. I’ve got a suggestion for you. Bring a ventriloquist’s dummy to the next one. That way, you can blame him for not knowing anything.

I hope to see you … on Earth Day, because I’ve got a big oak to plant in your backyard.

In search of … a powerful antibiotic which can cure “Dad’s lame” disease, a mysterious disease which can only be diagnosed by pre-teen girls.

I hope to see you … at Town Cleanup Day, on Saturday, although if it were really Town Cleanup Day, someone would be offering you a ride to Nevada.

In search of … a real-life Facebook friend, you know, someone who requires the energy and commitment of a passing acquaintance, but is available to me when I need to talk.

I hope to see you … at a Godzilla screening this weekend, if only to ask you if the filmmakers made a faithful adaptation of your biography.

I see you … are in search of a catchy slogan to match “Put a check by Beck.” I’ve got it! META-MUSIL.

In search of … a girlfriend who likes to play golf. If you’ll bend over to tee it up, I’m happy to tee it up, too.

I saw you … lost the election. Don’t think about the money it cost you. Think instead about all the people who lied to your face and voted for someone else.

I hope to see you … at Crowley Lake for the fireworks show – which, I might add, will actually be taking place inside my RV.

In search of … participants for the hot-dog eating contest – not the one at Grumpy’s on the 4th of July, but the private one I’m hosting on Lupin Street.

I saw the Town of Mammoth Lakes … has a prohibition of fireworks in effect. Which means, if anyone sees your ass in those jeans, you may get cited.

I saw you … are obsessed with your golf game. Unfortunately, that obsession doesn’t seem to translate to the bedroom. How about we raise par by a few strokes?

I hope to see you … at Villagefest. If only to answer the following question. If woman was really created out of Adam’s Rib, whose barbecue sauce was slathered on top?

In search of some summer lovin’ … preferably from an older woman. After all, Olivia Newton-John was 29 years old when she portrayed a high schooler in Grease.

I saw you … hit the ball off the fence in coed league softball last week. A night with me and I think you’d hit it over next time.

In search of … the Three Sturgis. Oh, that’s right, they’re on a “peer resort tour.”

In search of … someone to share Mammoth Rocks with. I don’t care if the music is derivative. I don’t care if your tits are, either.

I hope to see you … sign up for dodgeball league, because if your dodgeball skills are anything like your political skills, we’ll wipe you out.

I saw you … are moving out of town. How selfish! Now where am I going to couch-surf?

In search of … a couch to surf. Prefer someone with a job, basic cooking skills, and a girlfriend who has hot friends, but will settle for just the cooking skills if the cushions are on the newer side.

I hope to see you … at Dodgeball league next week, because I just love knocking my balls against your ass.

I heard you … complain about getting hit repeatedly in the chest at Dodgeball. What do you expect? It’s an inviting target.

I saw you … got stuck inside of Mojave with those Mammoth blues again. Advice: Buy a more reliable car.

In search of … a nice little honey to cuddle up and watch the World Series with. Advice: You’ll treat me like a Royal, because I’m Giant!

In search of … a Halloween costume. Hey, here’s an idea. Let me borrow some of your clothes, and I’ll dress up as a bitch!

I hope to see you … on Halloween. If you’ll be my Zombie, I’ll suck on your brains – and we all know where your brains are located.

I saw you … waited in line overnight to get first chair. Meanwhile, I waited patiently ‘til 2 a.m. at Lakanuki to get first chair, too!

In search of … a lot of white stuff. Fairly indiscriminate as to whether it’s natural or not.

I hope to see you … at Thanksgiving dinner. If you’ll be my Traflamadoran, I’ll be your Billy Pilgrim.

I saw you … in Vons trying to beat the Thanksgiving rush. Your face was cranberry sour, but your ass was sure cranberry sweet.

In search of … a personal trainer, but will settle for an impersonal one if she’s hot enough.