Horrorscopes
Capricorn: Earlier this week, a time capsule filled by Samuel Adams and fellow Cap, Paul Revere. Buried in 1795, it contained coins, newspapers and an engraved silver plate. Therefore, in the famous “Freedom Rider’s” honor, please create one for yourself that includes a few big hopes and dreams you have, just don’t start galloping through the streets hollering out ”the regulars are coming!”
Aquarius: It looks the Stars are asking you to be willing to embrace your flaws and regrets for the lessons they are/were. Give them a hug if need be and then kick `em to the curb and get back after it. Life is, after all, waiting for you with baited breath, a big smile and moist undergarments.
Pisces: As this blessed year slowly gets underway, it’s important to always remember a few things like: When in doubt, be positive. Don’t worry what people think, they don’t do it very often. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but can, if done properly, make for a fun right now.
Aries: It appears that karma will begin to play a bigger and more immediate impact in peoples’ lives. Which is cool, so long as you can be. To help, try to remember to always be kind, generous, hopeful, and helpful, especially with those who need help undressing.
Taurus: One is the loneliest number. Two can be the most crowded number. Your good luck numbers are 6, 15, 33, 42 and 51. This month, please count to some of the higher ones before you say something like: “I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you were born with one!”
Gemini: One of the common features of this sign is that its members crave change the way stoners crave pints of ice, cream bags of Doritos and “power naps.” But what Geminis often forget is that the only constant in life is change, even though sometimes it’s as subtle as a falling snowflake. Therefore, your new mission is to be the change you want to see in the world, in your community and in your life. And if this includes “changing into something a little more comfortable,” more power to you.
Cancer: Please adopt some of these lessons from Dr. Seuss. 1) There is no one alive who is youer than you. 2) Why fit in when you were born to stand out? Free) You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
Leo: Since Leos are very spiritual people, but can get stuck in the doldrums of their own self-doubt and/or raging egos, here are you new rules. 1) Every once and while, Leos are required to spiritually extract their heads from their own butts and do whatever it takes to blow out some mental and spiritual farts. 2) And courtesy of Joel Osteen: “You have to do your part, believing that you are blessed, seeing yourself as blessed, acting as though you’re blessed.”
Virgo: If you’re anything like Clouds, you probably need to cut down on your drinking a little bit and to admit you like at least one reality show—yes, “Naked and Afraid” is a reality show. To help you accept and embrace yourself, remember that it’s okay to do so, and to always be careful whenever following the “masses,” as sometimes the “m” is silent.
Libra: The funny thing about Libras is that they tend to be skeptical of astrology, even though they’re one of the signs that can benefit the most from paying attention to the Stars. You see, Libras need to find balance (the sign’s symbol) between power and play, rest and action, to feel happy and at ease with life—which is when all good things are created. Listening to Miles Davis should help, “My future starts when I wake up every morning.”
Scorpio: While writing these messages from the Stars each week, Clouds often has left over sentence fragments. Since Scorpios are in a wonderful period of connecting fragmented parts of your lives right now, please turn these into your new favorite sentences: A) …. the way some of us need air and water, good beer and regular booty waxings. B) … and that’s when the miracle happened. C) … so I picked up my clothes and ran away laughing my ass off.
Sagittarius: To help get you where you want to be, it’s important to accept that it’s not about where you’re planted, it’s about how you grow. Clouds likes to grow anywhere the sun is shinning. To get you in the right mindset to grow, make sure you let plenty of love shine where the sun usually doesn’t.
