Horrorscopes
Pisces: This next year of your life is all about partnering and fusion. And since partnering, fusion and, ultimately, life are all about love, be sure to embrace it more. If telling people you love them is too awkward for you, try something like this: “I love you with all of my butt—I’d say ‘my heart,’ but my but is bigger!”
Aries: King Henry VIII was pretty much incapable of learning the simple lessons life was trying to teach him. For example, he kept marrying women named Catherine without realizing that most Cathys are crazy—and not always in a good way. Since Aries are known for having about as much patience as King Hank, try to be more open to what life is repeatedly trying to teach you, always love and accept Cathys for who they are, and refrain from saying or even thinking, “Off with her head!”
Taurus: There’s a simple reason why things have always been rocky between Kermit and Miss Piggy. It’s because love is the most challenging thing any man, woman, frog or pig will ever partake in. So please pick a partner that gives you a real shot at being successful in love, like a Cancer, Virgo or Capricorn. And remember that just because you love bacon doesn’t mean you should marry a pig.
Gemini: It’s a simple equation backed by study after study: the happier, more positive and joyful you are, the healthier you’ll be and the more likely you’ll be to have great relationships. Since laughter is always the best medicine, here’s a dose. “An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.”
Cancer: To say farewell to one of the oddest winters on record, please pick an odd new saying for yourself. 1) May the bridges you burn light your way. 2) True friends say good things behind your back and bad things to your face. 777) You can catch flies with honey, but you’ll catch more honeys by being fly!
Leo: In case you’ve forgotten, and the Stars say some of you have, it’s all about attitude. If you think of yourself as a Susie A. Sobstory, Hank Hardluck, or Pat Thetic then that’s exactly who you’ll become. Therefore, your new assignment is to think of yourself—and dress accordingly—as a Susie A. Success, Hank N. Formore or Pat Thehappinessbuddha.
Virgo: Since Winter has taken its turn towards the finish line, please make sure your attitude is ready to spring forth like a field full of tulips. It will help if you get plenty of fresh air—and, yes, streaking counts as extra credit.
Libra: There are those who believe that whenever a cardinal shows up in your yard it’s really a visitor from heaven. With spring about to return, your new assignment is to view any bird that shows up in your yard as a blessing from heaven. Unless, of course, someone is flipping you the bird, in which case be thankful someone cares enough about you to get that pissed off.
Scorpio: You may start to become frustrated with your life. That’s because you’re ready for some change, but it still isn’t your time quite yet. Stay strong and don’t worry. You’ll know when your time has arrived because that little voice inside of you will start giggling like Cheech and Chong at a coffee shop in Amsterdam.
Sagittarius: Sagittarius love and have a deep need to travel. But this need to explore often makes you overlook what’s right in front of you. For you don’t have to go halfway across the globe to find the wonders of the Universe. To help in your explorations, remember to stop every once and while and look around to see what you’re missing, like maybe your shoes and shirt, which probably means you’re somewhere Clouds approves.
Capricorn: This would be a good time to work on your communication skills and thus improve your quality of life. So make sure you are heard, whether you have to whisper it or blast it on a megaphone. To help, try adding a little English reggae to your soundtrack: “Life can be a fantasy or a reality. It’s just a state of your mentality … My name is Pato Banton and this is my opinion!”
Aquarius: Studies have shown that the average child laughs 200 times per day, while the average adult only laughs four times a day. Therefore, to help you tap into your inner child, select a new bumper sticker for yourself: A) Honk if you like loud noises! B) I brake for no apparent reason. C) I can hold my own … but I’d rather hold yours.
