‘Scopes

Aries: Since the Stars are reporting this should be one of the best years of your life, please celebrate your latest birthday by implementing more of the following: reasons to celebrate, people to celebrate with, more downloads of Kool and the Gang hits like “Celebration,” writing regular To Do Lists that include things like “Be Present,” “Be Thankful,” “Be Open,” and “Be Naked More Often!”

Taurus: Please select your own advice for the week from the following: 1) Clint Eastwood: “They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.”B) Walt Disney: The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing.” III) Jerry Seinfeld: “Find the torture you’re comfortable with and you’ll do well.”

Gemini: April is going to be an odd, but fulfilling month. You’ll be busy socially but still able to work on yourself. Still, there’ll be a bit of an edge to everything so please hit your inner “Pause” button before letting your lips utter anything like: “I’m surprised no one calls you ‘Syrup,’ since you’re such a ‘Sap.’” Or “Maybe you should really laugh at your problems. Everybody else does.”

Cancer: The Stars are asking you to be on your best, most patient, thoughtful and compassionate behavior right now. Ergo, do not refer to others as “morons,” “snot-for-brains “or “fools.” It is, however, okay to quote fellow Cancer, Meryl Streep: “If you have a brain, you’re obliged to use it.”

Leo: Your new role model is fellow Leo and recently departed James Best. Best was best known as Hazzard County’s bumbling but lovable Sheriff Roscoe P.. Coltrane. Despite being famous for playing the fool, his life was a huge success. He appeared in more than 80 movies and 600 TV shows and was a highly respected acting teacher. Therefore, adopt his signature line as your new motto: “Oooooohh! I’m in hot pursuit!”

Virgo: A close relationship may come to an end this month. But as one door closes, a new one opens. To help keep your karma clean during this transition, think, but never say anything like the following: “If I were as ugly as you, I wouldn’t say ‘Hi’ to folks, I’d say ‘BOO!’”

Libra: Now that baseball season is in full swing and because Clouds like to swing from both sides of the plate, your new role model is recent Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady, who advises: “We all have experiences in our lives that change us, and we all learn from people, like my dad, but at the end of the day, it’s only us. And we’re only responsible to make ourselves happy.” After all, you can’t spell Lombardy Trophy without “Tom Brady.”

Scorpio: It really doesn’t matter what the world throws at you this month, for you’ll easily be able to throw it off with a shrug, or throw it around your shoulders and call it a scarf. Therefore, your advice comes from fellow Scorpio, Bo Derek: “Whoever said money can’t buy you happiness didn’t know where to go shopping.”

Sagittarius: Studies have shown that sleeping has a direct correlation to cognitive abilities. Basically, the more you sleep the smarter you’ll be. Since the Stars are telling you to be extremely cautious with your social and work activities this month, there’ll be some good opportunities to catch up on sleep. After all, sleeping is free as are most forms of lovemaking involving two people who are not married.

Capricorn: The Huffington Post recently posted a story about the 13 benefits of couples who conjoin nightly. The benefits included better health for the relationship, less arguing, more connection outside the bedroom, better physical health and a stronger sense of self-confidence. If this isn’t good news to you, it’s either time to start dating again or time to reassess your priorities.

Aquarius: As most Aquarians already know, things in life are a little off-kilter. But fear not, for opportunity usually likes to disguise itself as challenges or frustrations. Therefore, this is a great time to clear out any mental garbage and recycle the case of empties your spirit’s been carrying around.

Pisces: Your question for the week: Do I laugh enough? If you answer “Maybe,” “I don’t know,” or “Go screw yourself” it would probably behoove you to let yourself laugh more often. Unless, that is, you want to age prematurely or develop frown lines, in which case, it’s probably time you pulled your head out of your behooving area.