Horrorscopes
Gemini: Fellow Gemini John F. Kennedy had all the traits of this sign. When he tapped into the best of them, he inspired millions to make a positive difference. When he tapped into the other side, he was usually tapping someone he probably shouldn’t have, like Khrushchev, Castro, or various interns. The key for your next year will be to tap into the present more. AS JFK said, “Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.”
Cancer: Now that this latest year of your life is in the homestretch, why not have it go out with a bang or two. It hasn’t been the easiest one for you, but it will ultimately make you stronger, so you deserve a reward or six. To help, your words of wisdom come from fellow Cancer, the late singer Lena Horne, “It’s not the load that breaks you down. It’s the way you carry it.”
Leo: There are those who believe there is an “eighth deadly sin.” It is to be miserable and longing for something better when you should be feeling blessed and happy. Many Leos have been struggling for so long that they don’t realize how many miraculous moments they’ve been rewarded with. To help, be sure to say the following things more often: “Thank you” and “Hell Yeah!”
Virgo: Virgos make great learners but aren’t always the best students. That’s because they’d usually prefer to figure it out for themselves rather than have to listen to some blowhard explain it all. With another school year coming to a close, please feel free to adopt the following motto: “Even Cs get degrees!”
Libra: It’s true that money can’t buy you love. But money can rent you love for an afternoon or long weekend in the Bahamas. It’s also true that love is more valuable than money, but having money can make it easier to love, since it’s one of the things couples are mostly likely to fight about. If this all seems vague and ambiguous to you, that’s because it is.
Scorpio: Eating is often a passion with the people of this sign. So it’s important for you folks to watch what you eat, especially if you like to ingest caffeine, starchy foods or too much sugar, because not only can they make you chubby (and not in a good way), they can decrease sex “drive.” And sex “neutral,” “park” and “reverse” aren’t nearly as fun.
Sagittarius: In case you’ve been burning too much of the Hippie Lettuce lately and hadn’t noticed, Spring has finally arrived. Therefore, do yourself a favor and go for a few outdoor adventures this week. Hike, bike, fish, listen to Snoop Dogg while roller blading, whatever. It’s all exactly the type of activity your soul needs. Feel free to bring some munchies along, just give a hoot and don’t pollute.
Capricorn: What we know about life is this: There’s nothing you can do about yesterday, but there’s a whole lot you can do about now, and a few things you can do about tomorrow. As for today, the Stars say you should get more involved with your community. Clouds’ suggestions: volunteering, frequenting some place other than your favorite watering hole, or throwing a Mustache Party, with rides available when applicable.
Pisces: The Stars are saying that this spring is the perfect time for you to spring into a healthier life. You know, get some regular exercise and doses of vitamin D or at least try cut down to just three beers a night instead of a 12-pack. Therefore, your words of wisdom for the week will come from Homer J. Simpson: “All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.”
Aries: It might seem like life shoved you through the meat grinder recently. Rest assured, it’s the only way to make mouthwatering meatballs and to-die-for sausage. Therefore, please feel free to use G. Love and the Special Sauce as a condiment: “With a little bit of honor and harmony, the next awakening is you.”
Aquarius: Losing sleep is usually a sign of stress. The basis of most stress is either love, work or money. Unfortunately, neither stress nor lack of sleep usually helps get you more love, money or work, but they can help turn your hair gray. To help overcome stress and to accept that it’s pretty much useless, try giving yourself a positive nickname. “Silver Fox” or “Baroness von Awesomeness;” both have a nice rings to them.
Taurus: There are those who believe that there are no such things as accidents in life and that accidents are really only acts of divine fate. Therefore, keep your eyes peeled and be grateful for accidents this week. And here’s hoping the worst accident you have involves you happily saying, “Oh dear, it looks like I’ve accidentally dropped my drawers.”
