Horrorscopes
Gemini: This next year of your life will be in large part about your relationships, especially personal ones. To make the most out of it all, be more forgiving or others and yourself. It will help to remember that it’s awfully tough to have a close relationship without a fight every now and again, but you can make sure the relationship is worth the fighting for—or at least making up over.
Cancer: With another year in your life soon to wrap up, please try to take the attitude of great golfers: Have a short and selective memory—forget the bad, remember the good. It would also help if you adapted better to your occasional bouts of Cancerian mania and roll with it more. To help, try adopting a new saying like: “I hate being bi-polar. It’s awesome!”
Leo: One of the challenges of being a Leo is to keep that big and powerful ego well fed with balanced meals. Leos love praise, so it’s easy to forget that the only approval any Leo really needs is his or her own. To help, please remember that to Clouds, you are the cat’s meow, and I ain’t lion. And adopt this line from Aubrey Hepburn: “Nothing’s impossible. The word itself says it: ‘I’m possible!’”
Virgo: To help you get in touch with your kind, generous and always cool inner self, please adopt some of these lines from fellow Virgo, Keanu Reeves. 1) “I’m Mickey Mouse. They don’t know who’s in the suit.” 2) “The simple act of paying attention can take you a long way.” 3) “Life is like quicksand. The more we struggle the more we drown.”
Libra: If you’ve had a hunch recently that you should be trusting your hunches—or your gut—more, the Stars would like to inform you that your hunch has been right on the money. Feel free to reward yourself with a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats, and by sowing your wild oats with your favorite honey.
Scorpio: Your advice for the week is to try not to judge people by your first impressions of them, especially anyone who makes a complete butt nugget of him or herself right oput of the gate. To help assist you in this task please bear in mind that sometimes bad clothes happen to good people. Please also remember that you’re not allowed to play fashion cop unless you carry fuzzy handcuffs.
Sagittarius: In case you thought it was impossible to make time stop, then you didn’t watch the last two minutes of any NBA Finals game. The lesson you can learn from the NBA: sometimes a couple of seconds and little bit of luck are all you need. Your new assignment is to call a time out the next time you’re in a moment of bliss, enthusiasm or state of disrobe.
Capricorn: Here are the latest addendums to your rules for life 1.K) It’s all about Karma. You get what you give. 2.C) Men should never wear Capri pants. 13. D) You’ve got to dream it to achieve it. 17.X) It’s usually best to sleep with someone from FedEx or Giovanni’s, because they always deliver the goods.
Aquarius: The next several weeks for Aquarians should be full of positive thoughts and reasons to be hopeful, optimistic and down right giddy. To help you make the most of it, please never forget that you should never say never, and that positive and thankful thoughts breed like rabbits in a Viagra patch.
Pisces: To help make the most out this summer, here are some of life’s Golden Rules to remember: If it’s a dumb idea but it works, well then it ain’t a dumb idea. After all is said and done, more is said than done. People say drunk what they fear sober. The great thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time.
Aries: As spring gives way to summer and clothes become optional, you may want to warm up your clothes-removing lines. These redneck ones might help: 1) Did you just fart, because you’re blowing me away? C) Hey there cutie, I really like your tooth. #) You may not be the best looking one in here, but that’s what the beer and the light switches are for.
Taurus: There isn’t much better for us human beings than these two things: To be touched in a kind, compassionate or passionate ways by others; To spend time getting in touch with nature. To help you get in touch with your inner nature, try giving more hugs and going au natural more often—just not always at the same time.
