Horrorscopes
Cancer: Since July will see many people running into speed bumps, detours and No U-turn signs in life, please remember that the key for the month—and the next year of your life—will be to go with the flow. No matter how strong, determined or stubborn you are you can’t swim against the current for long. Therefore, please remember it’s about the journey, not the destination, especially when you’re going skinny dipping.
Leo: Since lots of great stuff is headed towards Leos who stay positive and thankful, your new motto is: “Don’t worry. Everything is going to be awesome.” Your new theme song comes from The Lego Movie: “Everything is AWESOME!” And don’t be surprised to hear yourself repeating this line from Lego Batman: “If this relationship is going to work out between us I need to feel free to party with a bunch of strangers whenever I feel like it.”
Virgo: Independence is important to Virgos, but so is balance, proper diet and regular snuggle sessions. Just because Virgos are tough doesn’t mean they don’t like to occasionally snuggle, too. To make the most out of this year’s Independence Day, celebrate it by giving thanks to any people you’re dependent upon for cuddles, companionship or for re-stocking the beer cooler.
Libra: The opportunity for some serious and positive personal growth is staring you smack dab in the face and is ready to give you a big wet kiss. Therefore, your straightforward and simple words of wisdom will come from one of Clouds’ heroes, the late, unquestionably great, George Carlin: “Always do whatever’s next.”
Scorpio: Here are your McNuggets of wisdom for Independence Day: 1) Everything has beauty. 7)”Anyone can be cool, but awesome takes practice.”-Lorraine Peterson 7) Boobs are proof that men can focus on more than one thing at a time. 6) “Go forth. Be decent. And call your mother from time to time.” –Simcha Fisher
Sagittarius: Your mantra for Independence Day is: “I am a Superstar!” Your philosophy: “Burn the bra!” Your role model is fellow Sag, Little Richard, who said, “I try to be a guide for people, to make their darkness bright and to make the pathway light, and never to condemn or control or criticize.” And your pick-up line: “How about a scantily clad game of Marco Polo?”
Capricorn: Capricorn, like Taurus and Virgo, is an earth sign. Earth signs tend to be stable, solid and are always steadily evolving. The weird part is that earth signs and water signs, like Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces, attract one another and usually make good mixes. That’s a bit funny since you’d think all they would make is mud, which, for the record, makes lousy fences. It does, however, make for good birthday-suit wrestling … the rest is up to you!
Aquarius: The lessons you’ve learned about yourself recently should come in handy now. Unless, of course, you skipped out on your lessons to go grab drinks with friends, in which case expect some form of detention and an opportunity for extra credit. And, no, drinking light beer doesn’t count as extra credit.
Pisces: Creativity and sexuality go together hand in hand or, to be more precise, like hand grabbing butt cheek. Therefore, please remember it’s okay to let your love and imagination flow, while still coloring within the lines. To help, your new designer t-shirts should read “I Have a Thing for LA.” Or “What Happens in Vegas Stays on Cellphones for Years.”
Aries: Aries are always at their best when they are in a stable, accepting, loving and rather wild and adventurous relationship. To help make sure your foundation is solid, please remember that you’ve got to accept others to get acceptance yourself. It will help if you can stop saying things like: “You make about as much sense as a poop-flavored popsicle!”
Taurus: Usually, people have a professional life and a personal life and the two worlds rarely collide. So be sure not to let the frustrations of one carry over into the other—otherwise you may find yourself flipping out or being flipped off. Of course, neither one is as fun as enjoying flapjacks with syrup and your honey, or going back to bed to ignite some of your own fireworks.
Gemini: Over the course of any relationship (work, family, love, cell phone provider) fights are going to occur. The key is to make sure cooler heads prevail and no one starts saying things like: “Just out of curiosity, are your parents siblings?” or, “People like you are the reason I sniff glue!” Instead, feel free to think such thoughts, to laugh at them, just try not to mention them to anyone roasting marshmallows.
