Horrorscopes
In honor of the 20th Anniversary of the greatest beer festival on God’s hop, barley and water covered earth, each sign will be lovingly—and humorously—paired with a California beer. Cheers, and always mind the beer nuts!
Leo: The beer of choice for you folks born during the warm and festive dog days of summer shouldn’t be too tough. It’s Lagunitas Pilnser, because it may very well be the best beer on the planet, the kind of beer made for a Lion, Lioness or people who really like exceptionally good things in life like rainbows, puppies, three-ways and quality beer koozies.
Virgo: Virgos are very analytical, pragmatic and simple folks who can be petty and a bit too skeptical at times. That’s why it’s always best for the people of this sign to go with the timeless classics. The beers you know are going to taste good and your lucky taste buds remember them every time. Suds like Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, Red Trolley from Karl Strauss or anything 21st Amendment makes.
Libra: Libras like healthy competition, long-term relationships, peace and harmony but can be aloof, vague and contradictory. Since this just so happens to match many of the traits of residents in small mountain towns like June Lake, please choose one of their selections as your lucky beer. And feel free to hug a local, they won’t bite—unless you ask nicely.
Scorpio: Your special beer is Mammoth Brewing Double Nut Brown Ale. This is not just because it’s taken home the Gold for Best Porter in the World, or because its name implies an extra hint of nuttiness, but because it pairs well with Oreo cookies, chocolate and watching Sierra sunrises.
Sagittarius: The folks of this fun loving, attractive, intelligent yet occasionally sullen and crass sign always tend to move to the rhythm of their own music. And there is nothing wrong with that, so long as you don’t call the rest of us deaf and dumb idiots because we can’t hear it too. Therefore, your beer is either the Summer Solstice or Amber Ale from Anderson Valley, where they have their own language and apparently bears that grow deer racks or hippie lettuce so strong you’ll think they do.
Capricorn: Caps tend to be smart and methodical, and occasionally overly reserved, especially emotionally and financially. Therefore, your beer should be the kind of stuff that helps you let your hair, inhibitions and pants down a little bit. The kind of beer that grabs you by the butt and hollers, “Top o’ the morning to ya!” so please go with either Horny Devil from Ale Smith or The Bruery’s Mischief.
Aquarius: People from this sign are very forward thinking, artistic and creative, occasionally careless, disrespectful and downright weird. To help you accept your weirdness and just as importantly, the insanity of others, your ideal beers are Pliney the Elder from Russian River and Duck Duck Gooze from Lost Abbey.
Pisces: Pisces can be giving, psychic, selfish and spacey. That’s why the rest of us love and are so fascinated with you guys, gals and Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner-types (who is a Scorpio, for the record). To help you embrace yourself fully, or at least give you an excuse to accept your unique weirdness, your beer matches are rather odd themselves. Ballast Point’s Sculpin IPA for when you’re feeling like laying low and Mendocino’s Red Tail Hawk when you feel like soaring.
Aries: Aries can be the life of the party or just great members of the pack. Easy to like and get along with, the one thing that tends to cause the good people of this sign trouble is excess. Undoubtedly, an Aries came up with the slogan, “In dog beers, I’ve only had one.” Therefore, please stick to beers it’s a sin to chug, like Czech Pilsner from Rubicon or Mammoth’s Epic IPA.
Taurus: Despite being bulls at heart, many people from this sign like their beer the way their like their sitcoms: light but entertaining. Bulls also really appreciate loyalty, tend to have great voices and a thing for necks. That’s why your ideal beer is Anchor Steam. Not only is it the nation’s oldest craft brewery, they also have rather uniquely necked bottles—wink, wink.
Gemini: One of the strongest traits that this sign has is that, when it really gets right down to it, you don’t give a rat’s hiney about what other people think. As long as you’re good with your choices and where you are, then it’s all beer and sunshine for you air signs. That’s why your beer of choice is Stone Brewing’s Arrogant Bastard. Enjoy it and screw ‘em if they don’t like it—or better yet, don’t!
Cancer: Since the good folks of this sign tend to be overall pretty happy, home loving, health-conscious, clingy and a bit clannish, your perfect beer is Eel River’s Amber Ale. It’s organic, so you’re sure to like that, and goes well with spicy food and the spicy side of your personality. But even if that doesn’t do it for you, perhaps adopting their motto will: “Be Natural, Drink Naked!”
