Horrorscopes
Leo: Your birthday gift to yourself should be a daily reminder that anything is possible if you believe, have faith, stay open and put in some positive effort towards it. Therefore, your new mantra comes from Audrey “Kick Ass and Take Names” Hepburn: “Nothing is impossible. The word itself says ‘I’m possible.’”
Virgo: It’s easy to get pissed off about summer traffic, high gas prices, the national health care mess, Roger Goodell’s reasoning, Donald Trump’s hair, etc. But the real challenge is to keep your cool and not let anything that’s ultimately insignificant or, worse yet, out of your control, get you too fired up. Therefore, your new mantra is: “Don’t worry if Plan A fails. There are 25 other letters in the alphabet.”
Libra: When Libras are at their best they are a bit controlling and headstrong but still cool, caring, compassionate and good listeners. When not at their best, Libras can be hyper critical, inconsiderate knobs. To help, try being nicer to others, even the really stupid ones, and remember Ralph Waldo Emerson, “A great man is always willing to be little.”
Scorpio: Of all the signs none have more powerful minds or spirits than Scorpios. If Scorpios can overcome the need to control every aspect of everything, there’s nothing the good people of this sign can’t create in their lives. Therefore, please pick a new motto, something along the lines of this: “If history truly repeats itself … I’m definitely getting a dinosaur!”
Sagittarius: Here are some random nuggets of wisdom for the week. Uno) Sometimes all you gotta do is keep on keepin’ on! Dos) Don’t drink and park: accidents cause people Tres Bien) Sometimes it’s best to follow the “Hot Dog Principle:” If you really love something, it’s best not to find out how it’s made.
Capricorn: To help you get in the loving spirit during the season of Leo, please pick your own “Let’s heat things up” line: A) You really do touch my soul, but I’d wish you’d touch something else, too. B) My server and I have a lot in common, we both like to go down. F) You must smoke pot because it’s obvious weed be really good together.
Aquarius: The Stars say that you’re about to be cast as the star of your own reality show. So be prepared to put your wares on display. If you’re lucky, you’ll have a great chance to find a partner to display yourself with. Therefore, please adopt a new slogan like: “I hope your day is as nice as your butt.”
Pisces: What we ingest not only affects our physical well being, but our mental health as well. Therefore, try to working on being thankful and respectful for everything you put in your mouth. As for what comes out of your mouth, just make sure it’s not competing with your butt for content.
Aries: A new relationship is possible for you now but it probably won’t start in the usual fashion. Not to say that it will be out of fashion, just a little behind the times. The Stars say an older person may be the right match for you, but that plaids and stripes or socks and sandals are always bad matches for anyone.
Taurus: Regardless of what the IRS says, you’re more than just a number. In fact, you’re more like a series of numbers, like the VIN on a Bugatti or the winning numbers of the lottery. Therefore, your assignment is to make sure you’re not just sitting around on that sweet can of yours feeling sorry for yourself, and start acting the way you should—like you’ve just won a million bucks. After taxes, of course.
Gemini: If you feel like you’ve been working on the railroad all the live long day and that you’ve pretty much been working just to pass the time away, then you’ll be happy to hear that good things are on the tracks, headed your way. By the way, good things like to be greeted by big smiles and plenty of woo-hoos and too-toots—and doing so on your own horn will be just fine.
Cancer: Since this is one of Clouds favorite signs, your words of wisdom for the week will come from fellow Cancerian, Jim Gaffigan. 1) “There should be a children’s song, ‘If you’re happy and you know it keep it to yourself and let your Dad sleep.” 6) “My wife says, “Camping’s a tradition in my family.’ It was a tradition in everyone’s family `til we invented the house.” 12) “Whenever you correct someone’s grammar just remember that nobody likes you.”
