Give him the chocolate test
Ravens -2.5 at Steelers. Ravens favored in the Steel City, but I feel a magic moment coming where Michael Vick turns back the clock.
Jaguars +8.5 at Colts. It is funny to me how Andrew Luck never sucks, but everything/everyone around him does. We should give Luck the Chocolate test. What is that? Take all the stuff they forgive him for, then dip him in Chocolate and see if they still forgive him. QBs are the ultimate when it comes to racial profiling.
Texans +6.5 at Falcons. The Falcons can score, but that’s a lot of points to cover for a team that is average. Texans … another grossly overrated former Patriots coach exposed. Every time I hear how great he is I have a Sopranos flashback … THIS GUY!!! Take the Falcons and lay the points.
Eagles -3 at Washington. Take the Eagles. The ‘Skins are about to self-destruct. When you see Kirk Cousins face, you see he looks confused, lost and scared to death. Kind of like Sam Bradford.
Raiders -3 at Bears. Take the Raaaaidas and lay the points. What?? Raiders on the road? They can score. They can’t stop the runs with Pepto Bismol, but they have offense. As for John Fox, average cpach who won’t get bailed out by Peyton Manning on this team. He should thank his agent every day he has a job.
Chiefs +3.5 at Bengals. The Bengals are doing their usual “Super Bowl Champions at week 6” routine. But does anyone really trust Andy Dalton?? NO!!! NO!! Enjoy the fantasy numbers, but he won’t win his first playoff game this year.
Meanwhile, did you know the Chiefs haven’t scored a touchdown on the last 61 drives before halftime with two minutes left. Wow. I watched their two minute drill against the Packers and it was a series of running plays and two yard passes. Of course they can’t score.
I still take the Bengals and lay the points at home.
Browns +7.5 at Chargers. The Chargers are not good. They shouldn’t be favored over Mammoth High by 7.5 points. Take the Browns
You want to know what is wrong with Charger QB Philip Rivers? I have always said, I don’t want my idiot QB talking trash all game with the fans, other players and coaches. He should be shutting up and figuring out what is wrong with his offense.
Packers -9 at Niners. I looked at the line and I thought it was about right … Packers minus 90, yeah that makes sense. Then I saw it was only minus 9. So I ran out and took out a second mortgage and bet every bit on the Pack. Lay those points like you have a viagra, a Red Bull, some Panama balm and a gallon of oysters. Lay that line like you are laying pipe at an orgy. The Niners got what they wanted. They got rid of Jim Harbaugh, and have that bum at head coach and now they are HORRIBLE. QB Colin Kaepernick sucks, the GM sucks, the owner sucks, the coach sucks … I would watch my own vasectomy with no liquor before watching this team play again.
Vikings +6.5 at Broncos. Watching Peyton Manning now is like watching Michael Jordan on his last legs with the Wizards. Every time he completes a pass, the announcers cheer now. UGLY. Their defense is carrying them. Manning is that 40-year old porn star about whom you still say “that scene was great” as long as you ignore the wrinkles, the dress covering the pooch belly, the cellulite on the ass and the fact that they filmed the scene in a blur like those glamour shots at the mall. But take the Broncos and lay the points because the Vikings’ Norv Turner offense circa 1996 is a mess. I loved watching Seinfeld back in the day. Norv should have retired when he did.
Rams +6.5 at Cardinals. Take the Cards, lay the points. Although … I am waiting for Carson Palmer to get hurt or throw Larry Fitzgerald under the bus after a pick 6. Oh, it’s coming at some point. Don’t be fooled.
Dallas +4 at Saints. Wow. How bad are the Saints? The Cowboys are coming to town without Tony Romo, Dez Bryant and their best CB and you are a 4 point dog?? Brandon Weedin is the starting QB for the visiting team and you are a dog at home?? Wow. I take the Saints plus the points. I bet the networks didn’t imagine having a Luke McCown-Brandon Weedin matchup this week.
Lions +9.5 at Seabitches. The latest Seabitch: all the east coast games Seattle has to play. Maybe the league should eliminate all east coast games … just for the ‘Hawks. The Lions are a trainwreck. They had a high-powered offense until they got a new coach, Jim Caldwell. There is no way you can separate the coaching change from their offensive failure. Never mind that they have a potentially great, dynamic young RB in Ameer Abdullah, but they keep running Joique Bell. Does he have something going with the coach’s daughter?
News and notes
Ben Roethlisberger. Let me start off by saying I have had bad knees but never torn a knee ligament. I have broken bones, strained achilles, pulled hammys, torn up my shoulder, blow out my back regularly, so I have no history of tearing a knee ligament. BUT I will say this: Ben hurt his knee and by his reaction I thought it was torn up last week. He rolled around oin the ground like he had just been bitten by a shark. I thought that was it. Season over. Then as I watched him lay there I thought “This is Ben, he isn’t hurt as bad as it seems.” I had people tell me I was crazy. Now I didn’t see the knee buckle or bend because I still turn my head on injuries. Can’t watch them. I don’t get the infatuation with seeing a person’s joints and bones bend in ways they aren’t supposed to. Not since the Napoleon McCallum’s injury have I watched one. But Ben … is a drama queen. So I wasn’t surprised at all to hear he mill miss 4-6 weeks only.
Then the next day he was doing interviews NONSTOP about his injury. He did everything but post pics of his knee and his MRI on television. He stood there for about 4 minutes explaining his injury, the pain, the physics of it and that was just what I saw before I changed the channel.
Took me back to the time when he hurt his foot and had to wear a GOLD shoe on the hurt foot … so everyone would know that one hurt. He couldn’t wear two gold shoes or two black shoes. He needed to mark the injury for the media. He hurt his hand and shook it for the whole game … so everyone would know.
Browns players reportedly were quoted by TMZ as saying the offensive line wants Johnny Jackass over Josh McCown at QB. While there is some merit to that because Josh McCown sucks, part of it is bullshit on the part of those linemen. Of course they want someone they don’t have to block as well for. With Johnny Jackass running around they can miss blocks all day cuz he can scramble. Just do your job and block.
Why do the Dolphins suck? Because the toughest person in their organization is CB Brent Grimes’ wife. She got arrested at the last team game in the parking lot. Look up the video. It is hilarous. Resisting arrest. And she was going off on the officers while getting held down knee in the back and getting cuffed. Then, this is the kicker, a Dolphins executive was interviewed and said about her, “She scares the hell out of me.” I couldn’t stop laughing.
