Horrorscopes
Libra: This next year of your life will get off to a very auspicious start as great and lucky energy will begin bouncing around people like a pinball. To help make the most out of it, please adopt these lines. From The Who, “His disciples lead him in and he just does the rest.” From a random t-shirt: “Friday is my second favorite F word!” And from Clouds, “Hug more, argue less, embrace nudity.”
Scorpio: One of the biggest problems we have when it comes to fulfilling our dreams is that we don’t actually spend much time thinking about them. Instead we think about how we got screwed over or how unappreciated we are. To help solve this, listen to the Allman Brothers: “Pull myself together. Put on a new face. Climb down off the hilltop, baby. Get back in the race.”
Sagittarius: There are those who believe that intention is everything and that success and failure depend more upon attitude than they do upon anything else. So your assignment is to test out this theory. See if entering into an interaction with a positive attitude actually helps you achieve success or at least some form of happiness. If it doesn’t, feel free to send angry letters to Eckhart Tolle or Deepak Chopra.
Capricorn: The Stars are saying your vernacular could use a new catch phrase or two. To help, here are a few suggestions. A)“I didn’t say it was all your fault. I only said I was blaming you.” B) “If at first you don’t succeed trying doing it again naked.” D) “I never lie. I just edit the truth.”
Aquarius: You are going to be so in tune with others over the course of the month that you’d be a perfect host for TV shows like “Blind Date.” But this doesn’t mean you’re allowed to tell people how to live or who to date. Just enjoy them all for their entertainment value. It does, however, mean your words of wisdom come from Roger Lodge, “You were awesome tonight!”
Pisces: Lao Tzu wrote that we find by not seeking, which, so far, hasn’t helped locate Clouds’ copy of Lao Tzu’s book. The Stars say that spiritual and alternative aspects of life will be finding you. So your words of wisdom come from the very late Father of Taoism, “Fail to honor people, they fail to honor you.”
Aries: To help you keep feeling toasty and content while sitting around life’s campfire, feel free to start using the following phrases: “I’m putting a puzzle together and you look like a hot piece.” “Laugh at your problems. Everybody else does.” “When in doubt, mumble.”
Taurus: Over the next several weeks, old issues will begin to rise in your life like marshmallows in hot chocolate. Remain calm and positive and these issues will melt away and sweeten things up. If you have any trouble with the taste of the whole thing, try adding some whipped cream or Peppermint Schnappes.
Gemini: If you could go camping anywhere in the world where would you choose? If a Genie granted you three wishes what would you wish for third? What super power would you most like to have? What’s #7 on your “Bucket List”? Within each question lie important answers, as well as vowels, pronouns and dreams that would like a little more attention.
Cancer: Sometimes work requires us to be tough and make difficult decisions. Please remember that it’s better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for who you’re not—unless the person who wants to love you for who you’re not is good at either cuddling or making breakfast.
Leo: The Universe is full of great mysteries that boggle the mind like: the Pyramids, the platypus, Donald Trump’s hair, success. But the last one need not be. All it asks is that you accept, respect and appreciate it. The Stars say now is a perfect time to assess your finances, for they should start getting a lot better than “I Am Cait” ratings.
Virgo: Many people believe that friends are the family we choose for ourselves. Some believe that the reason friends argue is because it gives them an opportunity to help one another heal. Others argue that while you can pick your friends and you can pick you nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose. All of these people are right; although the nose pickers are the most right.
