Horrorscopes
Scorpio: The Stars say the next year of your life will be highlighted by career advancement and an ability to make a difference in the world thanks to your hard work and the great support you’ll get from personal relationships. That’s why a good Halloween costume for you would be someone like a risqué version of Mother Teresa or the Dalai Lama. And you’re special occasion slogan is “Namaste in bed.”
Sagittarius: There’s no such thing as certainty; all we really have is opportunity. That’s really all it comes down to in a nutshell, assuming you can cram a sentence that size into a nutshell. Since this world is really just a big nuthouse, your Halloween suggestion is the squirrel from “Ice Age” and your slogan is “We’re all nuts, some of us just crack easier.”
Capricorn: It’s said that if you take one step towards Allah, he will take two towards you. This principal applies to all the powers of the Universe except for Clouds—who will take three steps towards you while disrobing. The real key is to love one another and our mutual flaws. Therefore, your costume idea is a plastic surgeon who only creates imperfections.
Aquarius: Since this would be a good time to indulge the playful part of yourself, please incorporate something childlike into your Halloween week. But if you do decide to dress up as a puppeteer please save your Sock Puppet and Ernie and Bert skits for the bedroom.
Pisces: The Stars would like to remind you that what you don’t have you don’t need, and what you don’t need you already have. If this all sounds confusing don’t worry because worrying is useless behavior, but true lovemaking never is. Therefore your assignment is to love yourself more, just don’t do it in public. Costume idea: the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man, Super Girl or Nudist on Strike.
Aries: Since November is the month to give thanks, the start of it would be a good time to be work on being thankful. After all, Xmas is just around the corner now and Santa is starting to check his list and you don’t want to be on the naughty side. You do, however, want to be on the naughty side of Clouds’ list. Costume idea: A sex therapist or a question mark.
Taurus: Tauruses sometimes need to be reminded that they have much to be thankful for. To help, please remember that there’s nothing you can’t do, and that a good costume idea would be a Group Hug Coordinator.
Gemini: Even though it seems impossible at times, it is true—everything always happens for a reason and usually happens for the best. To help you see this all you have to do is believe it—and maybe take it easy on the Boone’s Farm or bong rips. Therefore, your costume ideas are Cheech, Chong, or Nancy Reagan.
Cancer: Apparently, the reason scary movies are so appealing is because getting the snot scared out us can be a very cathartic experience, especially when done in safe places like a theater or snuggled up on the couch. Studies have also shown that the older we get the less we like scary movies. That’s because as we age, life itself already scares the poop out of us. To help, your costume ideas are Horror Movie heroes like Jamie Lee Curtis, Courtney Cox, Hellboy or Jean Claude Van Damme
Leo: The Stars are reporting that good things are in store for Leos so long as you keep on plugging along in a positive and loving manner. To help, your costume ideas include SpongeBob Square Pants, Patrick or Wonder Woman. And your new good luck line is: “I’ll be Burger King and you be McDonald’s. I’ll have it my way and you’ll be loving it.”
Virgo: This much we know: If you give the world kindness it returns it to you tenfold. If you give the world crap it returns the favor by dumping a front-end loader full of it on top of you. The choice is yours. The smell is tough to wash off. Your Halloween ideas include Mile Cyrus, Billy Ray Cyrus or members of Cypress Hill.
Libra: Now is a perfect time for you to sit back and assess your life to see how you can apply all that you’ve learned recently in a positive way. To help, try dressing up as a motivational speaker like Deepak Chopra or Marianne Williamson for Halloween and share wisdom from Jack Handy: “Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.”
