Hartley’s Picks
Everyone’s team is undefeated. Everyone except … by the time you read this, the Chiefs. Let’s get this started.
This week’s picks:
Pats laying 9 at home to the Chiefs. Lay the points like Andy Reid slays a slab of ribs. The Chiefs are due, like I said for some turmoil. About halftime, after Belichick takes away TE Travis Kelce, Chiefs fans will be crying for Pat Mahomes at QB. Tyreek the freak cannot be a freak without someone to throw him the ball more than 10 yards downfield. Take Buckethead Brady and friends.
Bills laying 9.5 to the Jets at home. WOW. How bad is your team to be taking 9.5 points from the BILLS … who couldn’t score at a Bruno Mars concert if they were … Bruno Mars. The Jets are embarrassing. They should be ashamed of themselves. Lay the points. Lay some pipe instead of watching this, too. This will make you turn off the Sunday Ticket.
Falcons laying 7 at Chicago. The Falcons, even off of their Super Bowl catastrophe, will win this one easily. Bear QB Mike Glennon will start the game giving the pregame speech and run out on the field to take the first snap. Then, just like at that draft party he attended, Trubisky will run out and take over before the ball is snapped. And it won’t matter.
Texans laying 5 points to the Jags. Lay the points. The Texans will feed off emotion and come out like a hurricane. JJ Watt records three sacks minimum. As for the Jags, let’s face it, they are just ugly. #1 pick RB Leonard Fournette … can’t catch the ball. No versatility. No matter. It’s not like QB Blake Bortles could hit him with it anyway.
Eagles laying 1 point at the Skins. Take the ‘Skins to win this game. The Eagles are overhyped.
Cards laying 1.5 at the Lions. Take the Lions plus the points. The Cards have the Honeybadger, who is a great player, but he’s just too small to stay on the field for more than four games a year. Lions can score enough at home to win this game. Quiz: Do you know who the Lions Offensive Coordinator is? His name is Jim Bob Cooter. Say that out loud. JIM BOB COOTER. You cannot make that up.
Titans laying 2.5 to the Raiders. Lay the points. I like the Raiders but they can’t stop the run and the Titans will just run it down their throats.
Bucs laying 2.5 points to the Dolphins at MIAMI. But Hurricane Irma won the game. Postponed. The best thing that could have happened for the Dolphins is to have Hurricane Irma. Now the hurricane will be the only thing that sucks for Miami this week instead of Cutler and the Dolphins.
Bengals laying 3 points to the Ravens. At home which means it’s a wash. Lay the points … because I don’t care. Flacco won’t play and even if he does … he will suck. So the Ravens have no QB, no RB and no WRs. That’s not a winning Triple Crown.
Steelers laying 8.5 points to the Browns. Take the Browns plus the points. The Steelers will win but when does Pittsburgh blow anyone out on the road? Never. Take the points. Le’Veon Bell is gonna pull a groin muscle and collect $12 million to sit on the bench most of the year. And he will still make rap songs while hurt demanding more money.
Rams laying 3.5 points to the Colts. You have a gambling problem if you give a damn about this game. Scott Tolzien is starting at QB for the Colts. Take the Rams.
Packers laying 3 points to Seattle. This is a tough one. A tough one. Lay the points. I have said I think the Hawks will slide a bit. The Pack can score. We know that. I am still not sold on the Hawks offense.
Panthers laying 5.5 points to the Niners … at San Francisco. I am taking the UPSET SPECIAL here. Niners plus the points. Niners WIN this game. QB Cam Newton is rusty.
Cowboys laying 4 points to the Giants. Uh Oh. Trouble here. Take Giants plus the points. The Cowboys are NOT AS GOOD AS PEOPLE THINK ThEY ARE.
Vikings laying 3.5 points to the Saints. Why? Why does anyone have faith in Viking QB Sam Bradford or the Vikings offense?
Broncos laying 3.5 to the LA Chargers. Goofy. Take the Chargers plus the points. The Broncos will struggle on offense with QB Trevor Simien.
College Football. Fresno State University scored 66 points last week in their first game of the season. They played not San Jose State, not Cal State Fullerton, not even Pepperdine … they played University of the Incarnate Word. Yeah, I laughed too after I realized it wasn’t a mistake. There is actually a University of the Incarnate Word. I imagine the Fresno State strength of schedule after that game is zero.
Predictions:
AFC:
Patriots, Steelers, Raiders, Texans win divisions. Wildcard teams: Chargers, Texans
NFC:
Redskins, Packers, Seahawks, Buccaneers win divisions. Wildcard teams: Saints, Cardinals.
Conference championship games will be:
Steelers vs Patriots
Buccaneers vs Packers
The Steelers finally realize playing man coverage is allowed in the NFL and beat the Patriots in the AFC Championship game.
The Buccaneers, young and led by an unproven coach, beat the Packers to make it to the Super Bowl. Only because I am sick of choosing the Packers and Seahawks to make the Bowl.
Steelers vs Buccaneers. Steelers of course win the Super Bowl. They immediately franchise Le’Veon Bell during the victory celebration and tell him they are going to run his wheels off and let him go and collect the compensatory pick. They explain all this to him in a rap song. WR Antonio Brown celebrates with 3 strippers and streams the whole thing on Facebook live … so his wife can see it. Dumb bastard.
