The World According to AARP
Local seniors organize “March for our Discounts”
Local seniors are expected to turn out in wheelchairs, walkers, limousines and Teslas next Wednesday to protest for preservation of handouts they’ve become accustomed to over time.
The rally will be held at Samurai Restaurant in Mammoth on Wednesday, April 4th, since the restaurant is advertising a 10-cent beer special on your first beer for karaoke night (Seriously. See ad page 18).
The Sheet spoke to rally organizers over breakfast at Denny’s in Bishop earlier this week.
“Now that’s a helluva discount,” said senior Ted Baxter of Palos Verdes Estates regarding the 10-cent beers, “but really, seniors should only have to pay a nickel.”
“Ted’s absolutely right,” said fellow retiree Lou Grant, who hails from La Jolla.
“We feel that Mammoth Mountain taking away our senior ski passes has amounted to the first domino,” added Grant. “If we don’t fight back now, what will they take next? Laos? Cambodia?”
The protest is being held in reaction to last weekend’s March For Our Lives rally. Rally events were held nationwide on March 24.
While Millennials marched for stricter gun control laws, Seniors believe a reduction in discounts is a far more serious social issue.
“Millennials just don’t see the larger picture,” declared Georgette Franklin. “We seniors never complained when Grandma got run over by a reindeer. I mean, accidents happen. But charging us what you might charge another customer is absolutely discriminatory!”
“I’ll tell you what,” said Murray Slaughter of Brentwood, “If they don’t reinstate the senior pass, we’ll just retaliate by reducing the amount we tip. Forget your 10%!”
“We bought into the lies our parents told us,” observed Sue Ann Nivens of Simi Valley. “Why is this generation so resistant?”
“Kids are lazy today. And unmotivated,” chimed in Grant. “I offered to pay a kid to come protest for me on Wednesday but he told me, get this, ‘Bug off, creepy Gramps! Do it yourself.’ I mean, what have we become as a society? A salad bar? Do I have to do everything myself? A destination resort should be about customer service. How come there’s no one to help me?”
The assembled seniors then taunted me by having the waitress card me so I wouldn’t be able to order from the 55+ menu. Then they drew me close and told me of a diabolical plan.
“You know, you may get us on a discount here or there,” said Murray, “But not enough of you younger people vote and all of us seniors vote, and we’ve got a sneaky awesome ballot measure planned in the near future.”
“We’ve got this proposed constitutional initiative that would, and I quote California’s Legislative Analyst’s Office, “Eliminate Income and Property Taxes for Californians Age 55 and Over. This measure amends the State Constitution to prohibit the state and local governments from levying income or property taxes on any Californian age 55 or over,” added Murray.
“All we need to do is submit 365,880 valid signatures by May 8, 2018, in order for it to make the ballot in November,” smiled Lou. “And just imagine if it passes! None of us will have to move out of our homes or hire nurses because it’ll make so much more financial sense for our kids to move in with us and wait on us hand-and-foot. Beats paying taxes.”
“And you’ll probably all put your assets into your parents’ names because that’ll shield you from taxes, too,” piped up Georgette.
“Which means you’ll be beholden to us forever!!” crowed Sue Ann.
“And then there’s the other proposal,” said Murray, “which would allow seniors to keep their Proposition 13 tax basis even if they sell their property and move into a more expensive home!”
“We’re just gonna keep floating this stuff until young people get less stupid and decide to tell their parents and their peers in political office to go take a seat on the bench,” said Lou. “Otherwise, who’s gonna be the April Fool?”
*Note: The column is an April Fool’s joke starring the cast of the Mary Tyler Moore Show. But the initiatives discussed, while appearing to be farfetched, are no joke.
