HORRORSCOPES
Aries: When the Sun crosses into your sign each spring it usually means good news for most folks, but that is especially the case this year. Your season is ushering in the possibilities for great joys and positive change. So that’s why the Stars say you and many others should expect to stop feeling like it’s too late in life and start feeling like it’s Kick-Ass O’clock!
Taurus: Since this is a period of positive change for many people, and since change can be painful for people who have trouble embracing change—like some folks from your sign—please do the following: Take deep breaths. Embrace change. Change your oil regularly. Change your views of the word “change,” which is also something you get back for spending your money. Change your wardrobe. And most importantly, change more in front of people who like to see you in your skivvies.
Gemini: As the snow globe of life gives way to the petri dish of spring when everything bursts with change, this much we know is true: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. Speed doesn’t matter, because moving forward is how the turtle wins the race. And poet Saul Williams was right, “Whatever you’re looking for is looking for you, too.”
Cancer: To keep you embracing all the positivity the Stars are sending your way, try listening to more positive music. Sure, death metal has its place, but that place should be in the circular file. A musician like Amos Lee would work better, “I want to shout out. Shout out loud! Why don’t you walk, just come on out and we can tear it all down.
Yeah.”
Leo: The Stars are saying this is a time of great magic for you. To help you make the most out of it, write one of these down and put it on your dresser. 1) “Believe that you deserve it and the Universe will serve it.” 2) “I choose to be a warrior, not a worrier.” 3) “Put your positive pants on —or at least your lucky underwear.”
Virgo: Sometimes the hardest path to see is the one that’s right in front of you. Sometimes Virgos get so stubborn or lost in their own little worlds that they can’t see what’s before them. To help, your new assignment is to be more open and to remember the next time you think that no one will be there for you that you’re wrong. Both Clouds and laundry will always be there for you.
Libra: This Aries time of year tends to be a good one for you as an Air Sign. Air and Fire do make a strong combination after all. To help you make the most out of this fiery time that’s full of the promise of spring, here are a couple pick-up lines for you. 1) “Would you like to ‘Netflix and chill’ or are you more of an ‘Amazon Prime and get nasty time’ kind of person?” 2) “Whadda ya say to a roll in the hay?”
Scorpio: Just in case you forgot, one positive thought in the morning can change your whole day. That’s why you should have daily morning rituals that include thinking positive things about yourself, your life and your body. If you’re having any trouble with this, just pretend Clouds is standing there saying them to you, especially about the last part.
Sagittarius: Sometimes it’s easy to forget that the best present you can give yourself is to be present. That’s why your new power word is “Now”. It’s also why your new motto comes from “The ‘70s Show”: “Look, if I could run across the beach into my own arms I would.”
Capricorn: The Stars are reporting that this would be a great time for you to spend some time thinking about what you really want in life. It might help to get out in nature, get some fresh air and listen to the mountain chickadees fill the spring air with the sounds of “cheeseburgers.” Please supply your own beer and French fries.
Aquarius: There are some people who will only like you when they can fit you into some kind of little box. Classifying you as only a mom or a brother, a carpenter or a CPA, a freak or a goodie-two-shoes, a sweetheart or the star of a horror movie. Luckily, Aquarians know how to handle such people and you usually have no problem telling them exactly where to shove their little boxes.
Pisces: You know those things you do in life that make you happy, things like spending time with friends, exploring, going a little wild and letting your hair down? Do more of them, at least the ones that won’t get you thrown in jail, divorced or in need of penicillin.
