Hartley v. Tre’
The Sheet received the following letter last week from Daniel Ransom:
“It’s become more than obvious that you should sack Hartley and the football column due to the fact that he clearly does not know what he is talking about. This is evidenced in the Dec. 5th edition of The Sheet. Look at these predictions! My 3 year old could have done better.
So this week, Tre’ Ransom will pick against our football writer. Dad had him choose based on name/mascot. The Sheet will donate $100 to Tre’s college fund if he can best our “expert.”
So my picks have been chided and ridiculed by a reader. He has gone so far as to pit his kid against me? Well done, sir. Well done. A couple notes on this.
My weekly rant should come with a disclaimer that reads:
The views of this “writer” are not representative of this paper and should therefore be taken with a grain of salt … and a shot of Wild Turkey 101, of which he consumes a considerable amount in the weekly construction of his “article.”
If you take his picks seriously or as a reason to spend your hard earned money (which you MIGHT need to send your 3 year old to college), maybe you should not be gainfully employed, or trusted to raise a 3 year old.
You are welcome TED for me increasing your readership by 1 (said 3 year old) and spreading your dubious views to a future generation.
You are welcome, Reader, for me aiding in the growth and literary development of said 3 year old.
Thank you READER for giving me something else to rant about. Sometimes I gotta think about what to write about and sometimes people like Trump and yourself just HAND me things and I love it.
Sometimes you take the Wild Turkey right out of the bottle and sometimes it gets fed to you in Sippie cups.
In honor of little Tre’ (the name of my son, BTW) let’s do the picks Tre’ style.
Patriots +5 at Rams. The game is in LA so … no one will be there. That sucks. The Patriots aren’t very good. The Rams are very good. However, the Patriot coach has some kind of Jedi mind power over the Ram coach. But the Patriots have no talent and their QB can’t throw any farther than a 3 year old (at least with any accuracy) so … lay the points. And I think Cam Newton wil need a nap after this one, cuz this monster named Aaron Donald is gonna be in his jersey all day. And Jalen Ramsey covering Damiere “Big” Byrd is a waste of time. Jalen could hold his blanky in one hand while covering him. Harold: Rams. Tre’: Patriots.
Giants -1.5 points v. Cards at home. What is a half point. Well, whatever it is, I don’t like it. Don’t like this game. Card QB Kyler Murray has been struggling lately. I think teams finally figured out he is barely tall enough to be out of a car seat and are making him stand in the pocket instead of running around like Speedy Gonzales (yeah, I’m old) and they are crushing his creative spirit. If I had money from grammy for my birthday, I wouldn’t put it on this game, but if I had to choose, I’d take the Cards, especially if Danny “Fumblefingers” Jones starts for New York. Hartley: Cards. Tre’: Cards.
Bengals +3.5 at home versus Dallas. Well, the Cowboys are America’s Team so I guess they’re gonna win. And longtime Bengal QB Andy Dalton returns to face his old team. To be fair, they should let him QB the Bengals one last time so he can wear a helmet that matches his hair color. Harold and Tre’: Cowboys
Carolina Panthers -3.5 versus Denver. Bronco QB Drew Lock has a pie face. His face is perfectly round and there’s always a stupid look on it. Kinda like Howdy Doody. Funny cuz he was drafted by GM John Horseface Elway. Count on the Panthers to win this game by more than 3.5. Count on Howdy to play like horse manure. Hartley: Panthers. Tre’: Broncos.
Bears +1 at home versus Texans. The Texans have a great QB in DeShaun Watson. He is fun to watch. Their coach, Romeo Crennel, also looks like a character from a kid’s book. He is a jolly, little chubby fella. He could put on a suit and be Black Santa. The Bears QB,
Mitch Trubisky, is a Future Santa, since he loves giving the ball away to the other team. If I played for the Bears I would have Corona symptoms every Friday so I didn’t have to play. Hartley: Texans. Tre’: Bears.
Kansas City -9 versus Dolphins. The Dolphins QB has a cool name, Tua Tagav … Tua many letters for me. But his name is better than his play thus far. They say he isn’t injury prone, but he has been hurt a lot. That confuses me. The other QB is Ryan Fitzpatrick. If he plays will probably try to prove he can be a slinger like Mahomes. Problem is he’s just as likely to hit a peanut vendor as a receiver. And his beard looks like it has leftover Hot Pockets in it. Hartley: Chiefs. Tre’: Dolphins.
Tampa -6.5 versus Minnesota. Tampa QB Tom Bradys Kryptonite is a good pass rush, but the Vikings biggest weakness is NO PASS RUSH. Viking QB Kirk Cousins’ kryptonite is throwing the ball to the other team too often. Brady v. Cousins. Seriously? Hartley: Bucs. Tre’: Bucs.
Jacksonville +7.5 versus Tennessee. Why do Jaguars and Jets players try so hard when they KNOW they are gonna lose anyway. Like … CLEAN YOUR ROOM. WHY? Gonna mess it up again tomorrow. Waste of time. The Titans should be called the Transformers cuz they got some kind of Optimus Prime character playing RB. That guy is huge and fast and his stiff-arm must be made out of some galactic material cuz he makes grown men look like little kids when he basically punches them in the chest and face. I think in this game Optimus Prime gets ejected for actually stiff-arming someone so hard with the football to score the ball goes through the other player’s back. Coooooooollll. Jaguars can’t stop the run and that is VERY bad with Optimus Prime coming to town. Hartley: Titans. Tre’: Titans.
Colts are going to Las Vegas and people there that spend a lot of money hope the Colts win by more than 3 points. The Raiders got monkeywhipped by the Falcons and needec a miracle to beat the Jets. Now they play a team with a winning record. Hartley: Colts. Tre’: Colts.
The Jets fired their defensive coordinator after last week’s game. Because they surrendered a Hail Mary TD with five seconds to play. What was the defensive call? One-on-one coverage with a bad Corner covering one of the fastest players on the field, and no deep help.
Oh, the J E T S are supposed to lose to the Seahawks by 13.5 points. That’s a lot of points. Seahawks QB Russell Wilson was NOT good last week. He has to be good because the rest of the team is NOT, and the coach, who chews gum like he’s 3 with his mouth wide open and 90 miles a minute, will probably run the ball more than Optimus Prime will and this game will be over early, but the Jets get the back-door cover. Hartley: Jets. Tre’: ‘Hawks.
L.A. Chargers +2.5 versus Falcons. Maybe the Chargers should fire their coach. The Falcons have done well since firing theirs. Maybe the Charger players can make it happen. They should run that play the Jets coach called – even when the Charger coach doesn’t call it – so they can get rid of him. I am sure he is a nice guy. But you can go broke quick betting on nice guys. Hartley: Falcons. Tre’: Falcons.
Packers -7.5 versus Lions. The Lions already fired their coach. But they still have the same owner, stadium and players. And after winning last week, well, that’s just too much winning for Detroit. Hartley: Packers. Tre’: Lions
Saints -7 at Philly. Philly’s turned to rookie QB Jalen Hurts. That’s an unfortunate name for a football player. His back, his tummy, everything’s gonna hurt after this game. The Saints defense is pretty good. Hurts replaces Carson Wentz, a former #2 overall pick. His little feelings got hurt when they drafted Jalen so he couldn’t play well cuz he lost confidence. Little baby. I bet he was mad when his mom and dad had the nerve to have a little brother when he was already the baby of the house, too. If you’re gonna act like a baby, you should have a sippy cup and a pacifier, not a beard like a garden gnome. Hartley: Saints. Tre’: Saints.
Washington Football Team. Now did a 3 year old name this team? Tre’, was it you? Football Team is supposed to lose by 3 to the 49ers. They will. The Football team was lucky to face a stupid team and stupid coach last week so they got a win, but 49ers Coach Kyle Shanahan is pretty clever. Hartley: Niners. Tre’: Niners.
Stupiders … I mean Steelers playing the Bills at Buffalo. Steelers +2.5. Which means they will probably win. Because when they are the favorites I think their coaches all have playtime instead of film study time. And I think the players are as dumb as the coach. Especially the one that plays QB, the weird shaped one that looks like he is huge up top and someone used a cheese grater to shave him very thin at the legs as you go down. He is shaped like the lamb you see at the gyro restaurant on that spit they have it spinning on vertically. Thats what he looks like … gyro lamb shaped. And he plays like someone shaved his head, cut open his skull like Frankenstein and pulled out anything resembling brain matter too. I mean, when you are playing a bad team, you don’t have to throw the ball 34 yards on 3rd and 3 so you can give them as many opportunities as possible to get the ball back.
The Stupiders cannot run the ball, cannot make adjustments routinely, do not plan for other team’s weaknesses – they just keep playing STEELER football, which is, let the gyro lamb-shaped one throw the ball as many times as he likes so he can pad his stats and get a gyro-lamb shaped bust in the Hall of Fame.
Oh the Bills beat the Steelers by 6. The Stupiders skip all team meetings this week and walk throughs to watch Barney and eat snacks. Hartley: Bills. Tre’: Steelers.
Browns +1 versus Ravens. The Browns have a QB WHOM I DO NOT LIKE. He doesn’t seem very honest. I mean, when you say you don’t care about the outside noise and what other people say about you, and you say it a lot, it means you care a whole lot about the outside noise and what people say about you. And once a frontrunner trips, things can go south very quickly. Browns trip here. Hartley: Ravens. Tre’: Browns.
