ATTENTION CITIZENSs

The Sheet received the following urgent message on Thursday afternoon. 

I write to you to warn you of what is coming down the pike, more like up the pike to you, because of the town’s high elevation. I am a Mountain Town spy living amongst the Flatlanders. These Flatlanders do not suspect me. I have infiltrated their group texts, tapped their phone lines, bugged their houses and cars. I’m all over them like Andre Igoudala on Lebron James in the 2015 Finals. 

I have some sensitive intelligence to share. At 4:26 p.m. on Wednesday, February 24, 2021, I intercepted the following text exchange between Keith and Ryder, both of Chino Hills, Calif. I’m withholding their last names because I don’t want to blow my cover. 

—Yo Ryder. Keith here.

I’m heading up to Mammoth this weekend. 

Got a condo with me, Ashley, 

Derek and his girlfriend, Scott and his girlfriend, 

Xander and his girlfriend, Erica and two of her friends, 

Josh and his girlfriend. 

There’s one more spot on the floor open and I was wonderin’ if you wanted to fill it??

It’s only gonna be $20 per night because it’s a three bedroom.

Place has a hot tub.

Plus Xander’s bringing his projector and his light orb

and Scott might be bringing Molly along… ;)= 

So def gonna be a sick wknd. 

Lmk asap if you can come.

—Duuuude!!!!

So down

—I’ve got room in my truck for you. 

i’ll pick you up on Friday at 7 am ur place.

—perf

Perf for them. Not so perf for you. 

I meant to warn you earlier but The Sheet’s delivered on Friday. By now Keith is driving 50 mph down Main Street in his truck, a lifted white Ford Raptor. Ryder’s probably riding shotgun blowing fat clouds from his vape. They are probably blasting Travis Scott with the windows down and not singing along because they don’t actually know the words. They’re blasting Travis Scott because they think it’s cool or dope or whatever. They’re blasting Travis Scott because they have to. Because, bro dude man guy, it’s Mammoth. They’re headed to Vons for more White Claws and candy bars to feed your bears. Whatever the bears don’t eat, Keith and Ryder will litter on the trails. The loud music won’t stop, but, come nightfall it will change. They’ll start bumping electronic music, easily discernible because it sounds like a robot orgy. Like most flatlanders, Keith, Ryder and the gang want more and wider parking spaces. If you encounter them, avert your gaze and quicken your pace. They are only dangerous when directly threatened and they feel directly threatened all the time. It might be best to skip town or hunker down until early Sunday afternoon when they flee back down the pike trying to beat traffic.

I wish you all the luck in the world,

-Your Undercover Flatlander

What else do I have for you this week …  

From a February 8 Mono County Press Release:

Dr. Tom Boo, Mono County Public Health Officer, has elected to not renew his contract but has graciously offered to remain in his role until April 2021, despite his contract expiring on Friday, February 5. Mono County will be recruiting for a Public Health Officer during this transition

A few more observations from Wednesday’s Council meeting:

“This project encompasses the whole park.” -Recreation Commission Chairman Betsy Truax

*Betsy, this would be incorrect. The project doesn’t encompass the whole park. It only encompasses 70% lot coverage of tent structure and asphalt. As I’ve always maintained, great project and wrong location. I mourn the death of that cute little park I spent so much time in with my eldest daughter. It’ll have all the charm of a landfill once they’re done with it. 

Second. A “surprise” was unveiled Wednesday as Public Works Director Haislip Hayes touted a potential Old Mammoth Road/Woodman mini-transit hub and a Mammoth Creek Park mini-hub as key components of the transit system and another argument for the CRC project. 

 First, the Woodman deal is completely independent of the CRC. But more to the point, every time the Town has suggested pushing transit further up Old Mammoth Road, neighborhood residents have fought it. I wonder if this time will be different. I wonder if anyone at the Town has reached out to any neighborhood residents about this. Doubt it. 

But let’s spend some money first!

Sarah Rea alluded in her remarks Wednesday that certain people tried to get her to disqualify herself from voting on the CRC, claiming she’d already made up her mind. 

As if Bill Sauser hadn’t made up his mind on this wenty years ago. 

It’s one thing if you’re debating a private development project. It’s another thing when you’re  weighing the relative merits of spending public money on one priority versus another. 

Trying to get her disqualified was a chickenshit move. I wonder if the chickenshits will step forward and raise their hands on that one. Identify yourselves, pansy asses! As the great Floyd Allred would say, “lower your voice and strengthen your argument.” 

And finally, here’s a random concluding thought: When people refer to the South African variant, are they referring to the Smokeyard’s Alon Ravid?