THE BELL TOLLS FOR THEE
Inyo County is limping into a new budget year. Prepare for more mediocrity, shoulder shrugs and muttering about not having enough money to do anything more than hand out more raises and then hire a small squad of consultants to recommend more raises while also confirming there isn’t enough money for anything else, be it an affordable housing program or new pickle ball courts.
Somehow, there always seems to be more than enough money to conduct “a nationwide personnel search” to find yet another County Administrative Officer. Hint, this time, go a little farther afield then the Mono County seat in Bridgeport, since the last two CAOs, Nate Greenberg and Leslie Chapman, hailed from that teeming metropolis, so that rather shallow talent pool has been drained.
One problem with the deep thinkers in Inyo is they don’t go deep enough into revenue raising possibilities. They recoil as if from hot flames when raising the Sale Tax or Bed Tax is mentioned, and flat out run for cover at any whisper hinting at higher property taxes.
With that money off the table, it’s time to call in the traffic cones. Lots of traffic cones.
The orange sentries will be set up on the northbound lanes of US 395 in Independence. They will divert highway traffic into one lane in front of the historic courthouse, where all vehicles will have to stop at the Inyo County Toll Booth.
Some will pay a toll. Some will pay more than others. Some won’t pay at all, such as anyone with an Inyo County address, since we are all about sticking it to our visitors in the Eastern Sierra.
Here are the proposed toll rates.
Anyone driving a jacked up, three-quarter ton pickup with oversize wheels and tires, eight headlights and belching diesel exhaust while carrying absolutely nothing in the truck bed will be charged $200 for not knowing a pickup truck is supposed to haul things. The money will go to the Bishop High School Automotive Classes.
Someone towing a trailer with one or more ATVs, or side-by-sides or 4-wheel drive Jeeps, and other off-highway vehicles, will be charged $100 per dirt machine. Dirt bikes will be docked at $50 a machine. Mountain bikes a mere $15. The money will go to pay for dirt road maintenance and signs screaming, STAY ON EXISTING ROADS AND TRAILS.
Visitors bringing fishing poles will be given free passage only if they do not have a cooler full of beer or food, meaning they will have to buy beverages and snacks from local stores. Bring beer and chips and pay $100 that will go into a Small Business Survival Fund. (I know, I know, Inyo will have to create said survival fund, but at least we won’t have to hire a consultant to name the damn thing.)
All Tesla drivers will be charged $500 because they can afford it and CEO Elon Musk is a tax dodger (or is it DOGE-R?). Drive a cyber truck and get nicked for $1,000 for crimes against design and automotive sanity. Nothing in the truck, and get charged another $200, see above. The money will go to the county Road Department since electric vehicles don’t pay the gas tax that funds road repairs.
Haul in a trailer full of mules or high school rodeo horses and get a coupon for $200 worth of sweet Owens Valley hay from a local rancher.
The dwindling number of cars carrying skis or snowboards will get a coupon for Great Basin Bakery and Hing’s Donuts so they can enjoy a tasty, drama-free bakery experience.
Subaru Outbacks and other SUVs loaded with backpacks, freeze dried food, hiking poles, tents, and emergency beacons will have to fork over $50 which will go to Inyo County Search and Rescue.
In a similar vein, vans, SUVs and cars carrying bouldering pads and chalk bags will get free WAG bags and coupons that give an extra $10 to the staff at Mountain Rambler, Eastside Sports, Elevation, and Sage to Summit.
Finally, the big money makers. Folks hauling a camp trailer, RV, van or bus with more than one bed will be docked $100 per bed in their rolling hotel. Just call it a Mobile Bed Tax. The money will go to buy RVs to house homeless folks. Hey, it’s a start.
Jon Klusmire of Bishop wants to remove whiny fiscal roadblocks that stifle local government.
