MY KINGDOM FOR A MULE

Tecopa.

A definite no. Inyo County political candidates should never search for votes in Tecopa.

Maybe 150 restless souls. Not counting transient RV residents avoiding life. They look like raisins. Sit naked in the hot springs all day. Lovely. The folks in witness protection don’t vote.

Stop going to Tecopa.

Mule Days.

A definite yes. Inyo County political candidates should always march in the Mule Days Parade.

Hoary old tradition. The one day of the year Bishop folks wear a cowboy hat. Lots of people. The savvy ones set out chairs along the route. Standing to watch the parade is a sign of low IQ. (My feet throbbed after standing for hours watching the parade, so I know.)

Let’s rate this year’s political seekers based on their mule situation.

District Attorney and Superior Court Judge candidate Dana Crom was in the parade staging area. She was herding a small clutch of children. She was using the munchkins to pull her campaign wagons.

“Hey, Ms. DA, you know there are child labor laws in this country. This looks like unpaid child sweatshop work.”

“Well, I’m paying them with candy,” she replied. “And I’m not bribing them because they are too young to vote.”

“So they are paid employees. That makes it even worse – they are children.”

She burled up. I told her not to immediately arrest me. She could arrest me after I blow off sending in my Jury Duty paperwork. Then she bribed me into silence with candy.

Another lonely and lost soul came into view. It was Inyo County 5th District Supervisor Will Wadelton. Standing on the sidewalk. No mule. No wagon. I waited for him to utter the Shakespearean summary of his situation: “A mule! A mule! My kingdom for a mule!”

He didn’t.

He said he was invited by his compatriots on the Inyo board to ride a wagon or a mule. But there was no wagon or mule in sight. Stranded. Abandoned. Ignored. Forgotten. Just like Lone Pine and South Inyo, right, Will?

“Perfect example of Inyo County efficiency.”

“Whoa, it’s the City of Bishop, the City of Bishop,” he laughed.

So of course, Bishop City Council members Karen Kong and Karen Schwartz walked by. (No comment on two “Karens” on the city council.) Wadleton joined them and they meandered around the parade staging area. Looking for something? A mule? An iced drink? The meaning of life?

New rule: Always hang out with the Karens if you are seeking the truth. (Reader Question: “What’s up with the short, choppy sentences?” Answer: “Sheet Editor and Comma Killer Fisher scolded me for writing looooong sentences. Too many words. Too many commas. Need more periods. I’m chastised. Crushed. So. Going short. Don’t want to incur her wrath.)

The parade got rolling.

Judge Candidate Taylor Fitzmaurice walked the parade route. With an adult crew. No labor law violations. Lots of smiles, waves and energy. The pink cowboy hat was hard to miss. Style points earned.

Missing in action: incumbent Inyo Judge Stephen Place and challenger Gerard Harvey. The boys didn’t want to play? Hmm. Maybe they forgot where they put their once-a-year cowboy hats. We won’t judge them.

Or will we?

Incumbent District 1 Supervisor and reelection candidate Trina Orrill rode in a wagon with a crowd.

Supervisor Jeff Griffiths reported: “there was a wagon kerfuffle and three boards ended up getting crammed onto one wagon. City Council, Northern Inyo Hospital board, and supes,” including hitchhiker Wadelton.

Griffiths added they forgot candy, so he had to run to the Dollar Store to load up. Then he got an “epic” kiss during the parade. Additional details not wanted nor sought.

So Wadelton’s transportation calamity wasn’t just an Inyo issue. And a wagon-load of our best-and-brightest political minds could not figure out how to buy candy before the parade? The whole “kerfuffle” was a reassuring show of multi-jurisdictional collaboration/confusion/calamity. Go team, go. (Incumbent District 3 Supervisor Scott Marcellin was out of town for a granddaughter graduation. He gets a pass.)

District 1 candidate Carl Hoelscher rolled by in a little mule wagon. Nice. He was the #13 parade entry. Bad luck? Lucky omen? Consult an astrologer, please.

A crusty old political wag had insights. He said Hoelscher wasn’t in the parade the last time he ran for office. He lost. Lesson learned. The political operative lined up a ride for Hoelscher this year.

Apparently, the parade lesson was not learned by Third District supervisor candidate Ted Carleton.

“Where is he?” the political savant asked. (Ageist Aside: passing along the old-guy’s old-fashioned political advice: “Ted needs a picture of himself with a pretty blonde in a bathing suit.”)

Carleton was eventually located buying friends and family iced drinks in Looney Bean. Not bribes. I was not offered a cold beverage. Therefore, I can report his tie-dye, floppy desert hat was a hippy horror. 

No wonder he was hiding. (Carleton owns the Sheet but Editor Fisher, the Iron Fist, keeps him far away from stories mentioning him before they go to print.)

Finally. And I do mean finally. Third District Candidate Steven Orihuela. He was in the parade. With his cheerful family. Riding horses. He was the very last parade entry. Number 66 (cue the numerologist). End of the line. Back of the line. The street sweeper was the only thing behind him.

Conspiracy theories are invited and more than welcome.

Jon Klusmire of Bishop reminds candidates that everyone has a price, and his is extremely reasonable.