DON’T STAND SO CLOSE TO ME
Published in the July 11, 2026 edition.
After watching a number of World Cup soccer matches (not games) I think I might have figured out one of the reasons red-blooded, steak-eating, Bible-loving, beer-drinking American men feel uncomfortable and, frankly, a little scared when watching soccer. Those unfamiliar sensations generated by the game and the players could be the reason so many ‘Mericans pitch a red-white-and-blue fit about the entire sport.
No, it’s not the apparent slow pace of the games or the lack of goals to cheer. But goals are the main culprit responsible for the uneasy feeling the game can cause amongst those Alpha males. Not the goals themselves. It’s how the players react after a teammate scores a goal.
The following is what I think could be a conversation that might occur in certain households when watching a standard World Cup soccer game after a goal is scored.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, those men are hugging each other way too long, whatever happened to a slap on the butt and a fist bump? They are lifting the scorer up and still hugging his, umm, middle. Wow. Now they are just mobbing the guy who scored, loooong hugs, holy cow every single player is hugging the guy. They are grinning and laughing, and is that guy actually giggling? Giggling in sports? Really? They are really getting way too carried away. Come on, they are grown men and professional athletes. Man-oh-man.
“Wait a minute look at that, they are kissing him, on the cheeks and on the ears and on the neck and on the forehead, oh my God, did that guy actually kiss that other guy on the lips? On the lips? Wow. Holy moly, Martha, what are they doing down there?
“Now what, the guy who scored broke free of the hugs and is running away and taking his shirt off? What in the world, why is he doing that? Martha, you seeing this, oh yeah, you are seeing this way too long, so okay well-built guy but does he have to take his shirt off? (Note: completely different reaction when a member of the US Women’s soccer team scores and takes her shirt off, and gets mobbed, hugged and kissed by her teammates, right? Maybe it’s because the women’s team gets more respect after winning four World Cup titles? Sure. Sure, it is.)
“Wait, here come the guys from the bench and they mob him and now he’s on the ground and they are in a big dogpile with each other, full body touching and sweaty skin touching sweaty skin and everything touching everything else while they writhe away and squirm and giggle and laugh and hug for a long time while they are on the ground. Do they really need to do that?
“I thought that was just a thing for those emotional South Americans or the touchy-feely Europeans, but our guys, the good old U.S of A. guys, are hugging and kissing and giggling and touching, too. Sheesh.
“What’s the world coming too?”
Jon Klusmire of Bishop is pretty sure the US is playing catchup to the rest of the world when it comes to soccer.
