EMOTE, DON’T EMOJI

Responding to a text message by mindlessly sending an emoji is the lazy way out. It’s avoiding using your words and brain and really connecting to the poor slob who poured out their soul to you in a text message. Next time, think a little before texting back. You can do better.  

Here are some examples of how you can jumpstart a full-throated reply text instead of resorting to some of the most common cartoon characters on your phone. 

The red heart and all its variations leave a lot out. Try this: Glad you love eating a great cinnamon roll, and I’m betting diabetes will look good on you in a couple of years. 

Okay, that was a little harsh, a little Mom-like, and maybe a little too much truth for a text message, so try something like this: Your effervescent being is glowing with joy and happiness as you chart your path into the future with a sure step and deep knowledge of where your soul journey will lead and how to achieve the goals you have set for this phase of your incredible life-affirming journey into a bright and happy future. Congratulations. Oh, and where did you get that cinnamon roll? 

Thumbs Up: Come on, you have more to say. How about: Good job getting in the car and driving to work alone without eight supportive phone calls — this is another step on your move toward living your best life and enjoying every moment and basking in the beauty of the universe while embracing the total sense of you and your potential and your life adventure and how you fit in the universe and your ongoing exploration into the mystical arts and spirituality. Oh, does this mean you got your license back after that DUI? 

Thumbs Down: You need to do some more explaining and get into specifics. As in: Questionable life choice there, my friend, becoming an influencer with just 47 followers on Facebook, no Instagram and no clue about TikTok might not be the best career move. Plus, you are not good looking, not funny, have a body as puffy and pale as a marshmallow, live in a basement apartment with bare, cinderblock walls, and don’t have any insights into anything but “what fast food burger pairs well with Malt Liquor.” Hmm actually that might be your ticket to viral fame. Go for it. 

Smiling Dude: There are dozens of variations of the Smiling Dude (but no Smiling Women, which is weird, and might say something about how the basement-dwelling tech bros who made emojis see women in general… But that is something I absolutely don’t want to comment about because I know quite a few women and they all have radiant smiles that light up a room, are a tangible vision of joy and acceptance, and make everyone who knows them happy to be alive). 

Anyway, the Smiling Dude is not enough. If you are happy for someone, let them know: My heart (no heart emoji, spell it out) is feeling your power and strength and how it mixes with your intelligence, determination and skill in navigating the ever-changing tides of life with competence and compassion, you got this, you are living your best life every day, and congratulations on buying a new spatula. 

The Happy Party Hat Dude: Oh, for God’s sake, a party emoji? Lame. If you’re celebrating, do it up right: I’m dancing naked around my living room to celebrate your most recent accomplishment before I eat a half-dozen cupcakes in your honor and break into a primal scream of joy while yelling your name to the universe to commemorate your valiant and earth-shattering decision to buy new underwear. 

Frowning Dude: Plenty of these depressing units on phones (but no Frowning Women, which is right and good and true, since women are the light of the world – yes, I’m trying to score brownie points, and any male who does not understand why will be doomed to a life defined by the Frowning Dude). Cut to the chase here: You have made my life a veil of tears and sent me into a deep depression and a soul-searching venture leading me to reflect on our alleged friendship and my role in sustaining a viral friendship with someone who inconsiderately does not respond to text messages in less than 30 seconds. I need a soul refresh, I will meditate after sending this so make sure you take the full 28 seconds to respond and reassure me that you are still my friend. 

I’m hoping you, dear reader, are catching on. Instead of responding with a quick and thoughtless emoji, dig into your inner child and offer the best version of yourself to the bozos who keep texting you. 

Jon Klusmire of Bishop is a walking, talking, real-life Exploding-Head emoji.