Week 14 and all is, well, football
Steelers 24, Browns 9. This game won’t be worth watching, unless you are a member of Steeler Nation and want to see the Browns get stomped. The Browns have been known to play tough and step up with some shock and awe every now and then, but the Browns don’t have anything this year.
Patriots 30, Redskins 19. The Patriots are in their usual “12 win, then lose in the playoffs” mode. The Skinahans are just terrible. I think Coach Mike Shanahan is going to pull a Bobby Knight, and bail and leave the team to his idiot son. All these years Redskins owner Daniel Snyder has been meddling and in control, and he picks now to back off and let someone completely annihilate his franchise?
Saints 30 Titans 16. When you think of the team name “Titans” does anything exciting or interesting come to mind? Me, I got nothing. They have Chris Johnson, but they are absolute wallpaper. Look for something else to watch.
Dolphins 20, Eagles 17. Who would have thought Miami would be better than Philly? Who would have thought Matt Moore would be as good a QB as Michael Vick and Vince Young? Wow. And to think Young had the nerve to go on TV and say the Eagles were a dream team before the season. I watched Young last week and he was ATROCIOUS. He looked like he had no right being on an NFL team. And you can see his mental makeup is still crap. He threw a pick directly to the Seattle Seahawks’ linebacker, who ran it back for a TD. Young was on the sidelines with his hands on his head, his eyes welded shut! I thought he was actually going to blow a gasket like Leonard in “Full Metal Jacket.” He is a joke.
Panthers 27 Falcons 20. Before the season everyone talked about how EXPLOSIVE the Falcons were. I said they were grossly overrated and that their 13-3 record last year was indicative of a weak schedule, and was later proven correct by the beating they took at the hands of the Green Bay Packers in the playoffs. I also said Matt Ryan was bestowed the name Matty Ice without earning it. And this year the experts have tripped all over themselves, contradicting every ridiculous statement they’ve ever made about the Falcons. They praised the Falcons for trading away half their draft for Julio Jones. So which is it: are they explosive or do they need help? Then they said Ryan had all those weapons and would lead them to the Super Bowl. THEN when the team was struggling, they said the Falcons needed to get back to what they do best: run Michael Turner and play defense. Again, which is it? If Matty Ice is so heavily armed, why go back to pounding the ball? And for the record, they have NEVER PLAYED GOOD DEFENSE!
Buccaneers 3, Jaguars 2. This game features a plethora of B-List NFL players. Offense isn’t a factor from either team, and their coaches would rather kick FGs than line up and throw or run the ball. I don’t know why these teams have General Managers. They should just have open tryouts at the local sports bars to fill their rosters. You’d be better off stringing Christmas lights.
Bengals 23, Texans 17. I’m only scoring this one for Cincinnati because Houston’s starting a 3rd string QB. I told you the Bengals, who were being praised as the NUMBER ONE SEED in the AFC playoff standings a few weeks ago, would crumble like blue cheese when they had to play real teams? Now, they’re at 1-4 since that assessment. BRUTAL. And they still have to play Baltimore once more after getting ROACH-STOMPED last week by the Steelers. The Bengals are what I thought they were: overrated.
Lions 23, Vikings 16. Interesting game, but this could be the end of the line for Detroit. The Lions could have been a great story, but Coach Jim Schwartz has failed that team. He is a disaster and should be fired. They started the season talking trash and taking a ton of penalties, and trying to display some new “toughness” that was all snarl and no bite. Now that teams are kicking their butt, they are falling apart, pouting and fighting like little kids. NStompakin Suh is turning out to be a big punk, a classless, lying brat. After all his issues on the field, while on suspension what did that jackass do? He got in a car crash while driving like an idiot, then lied to the police about people not being hurt in his car, while there were INJURED passengers. He is a punk. And to top it all off, Schwartz gets into it with San Francisco Coach Jim Harbaugh on Thanksgiving Day, so now the team is out of control and the head coach does nothing to fix it. The Lions are a mess, and it’s getting worse by the week.
Jets 16, Chiefs 13. The Chiefs have great cornerbacks. The Jets have a bad QB. Don’t like either of the coaches, both are arrogant blowhards. Enough said; you’re on your own with this one.
Colts 20, Ravens 19. Could Baltimore possibly lose to Indy? Dan Orlovsky at QB? He might not be intimidated by the Ravens’ D, but don’t overestimate him … he is still stupid. This game could go either way. I’m taking the Colts just for grins.
Broncos 21, Bears 17. Why? Caleb Hanie is the Chicago QB. That’s why! I have said enough about Denver QB Tim Tebow and my opinion will not change. He is going to be fool’s gold for some team. Last week the Broncos had 48 yards of offense at halftime … 48 yards. If you think for one minute that the Steelers, Patriots, Saints or the Packers will let the Broncos hang around with 48 yards of offense in a half you are out of your mind. The number of people jumping on the Tebow bandwagon is utterly amazing. Why does Tim Tebow study pictures and plays on the sidelines, anyway? All his playbook says is, “Run, stupid.” Still, much as it pains me, have to give Denver an edge on this game.
Cardinals 23, 49ers 13. Arizona has had some decent defensive games. Put some heat on San Francisco QB Alex Smith. Cardinals QB Kevin Kolb still blows chunks, though.
Chargers 23- Bills 13. And don’t tell me the Buffalo Bills didn’t see this coming. No, they just found out in Buffalo that RB C.J. Spiller was on their roster. Amazing!
Packers 30, Raiders 13. Oh, wait, that number is their penalties. They’ll only score 10 points. Oakland is another franchise that’s devolved into an unmitigated disaster. I thought with their last draft and hiring a decent coach, they were headed in the right direction. But Coach Hue Jackson gets his first head coach job and at the same time is also saddled with general manager duties too? And that trade for Carson Palmer everyone loved was, is and always will be one of the worst trades in football history. Palmer is done. Did you see the game against Miami last week? Done. And the Raiders have no draft picks. But they can use free agency. Of course, if the same dumbass is running Free Agency that traded for Palmer, you can imagine how that is going to play out. Prediction: Tebow will be their starting QB next year and Desean Jackson will negotiate $200 million. Up against Green Bay wunderkind QB Aaron Rodgers, they’ll be lucky to post that 10. But count on ‘em for the penalties.
Cowboys 30, Giants 25. The Cowboys. Wow. They are just ridiculous. But you know what it is: Jason Garrett is just not ready to be head coach. He is learning on the fly. Did you see the mess he created last week? Example: the Cowboys have the ball and are driving with about 30 seconds left in the game, which is tied at 13. So the Cowboys get to Arizona’s 31 and there are 26 seconds left. The Cowboys have 2 timeouts, and what do they do? Let the clock run down and spike the ball with 8 seconds left! Why are so many coaches — and I feel like I’m yelling this all the time — settling for 48- or 49-yard field goals like they’re chip shots. Why didn’t Dallas call a timeout and run another play to get 5 or even 10 yards closer, if they’re so bent on kicking a FG. Or better yet, why not just go all out and take a shot at the end zone? But wait, it gets better. After spiking said ball, they wait until right before their OWN kicker boots the ball, actually MAKES a 49-yard FG attempt and THEN call timeout, totally invalidating the FG. Who ices their own kicker? Apparently the Cowboys do! And further, why did Dallas need the TO when they just spiked the ball? It’s simply stunningly stupid. Garrett appears to be in over his head. I’m posting that score tentatively; we’ll have to see if Dallas can actually score that many points against New York.
Seattle and St. Louis. No score. I almost called the NFL when I saw this dreadful, awful, horrible, PATHETIC matchup for a Monday Night telecast. You know what, won’t even pick it. Not even gonna talk about it. So there.
