Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Aquarius: Positive financial opportunities will be bouncing around you this week. Be sure to make time to earn a few extra bucks a bigger priority than sitting on the couch, ripping tubes and eating Double Stuff Oreos.
Pisces: If there’s one thing Clouds would like Pisces to work on this week, it’s two things. The first is to take more responsibility for where your life is at, the not-so-good, the good and the downright joyful. The other is to keep an even keel by paying more attention to lyrics, such as the following from the Grateful Dead: “Ain’t nobody messin’ with you but you.”
Aries: It looks as thought someone is lying to you. This lie, more than likely, involves promises that don’t have much chance of coming true. Therefore, try to keep your cool, your guard up, and be wary of anyone saying something such as this line: “I know you’re nobody’s fool, but I was hoping you’d be mine.”
Taurus: Bull signs tend to be a bit jealous, possessive and resentful at times. While these traits have some strengths, they can easily turn into weaknesses that rob Tauruses of all the good things life is trying to offer ‘em like wealth, health and red-hot boot knocking. As Preacher Joel Osteen said, “Life is too short to go through it waiting to be happy.”
Gemini: Toyota has recently had to make a major recall because the gas pedals in some vehicles start revving things up on their own. This is a trait most Geminis have, too, except instead of being recalled, most Geminis just roll down the window, crank up the tunes and enjoy the ride. It appears this would be the perfect time to for you to down-tune things from rush hour ride to slow Sunday afternoon cruise.
Cancer: Since this is great time for Cancerians to enjoy some good home cooking (wink, wink, nudge), here’s your line for the week: “How’d you like to come over for a round of Wheel of Fortune? The only vowel you’ll need to buy is O(hhhh)!”
Leo: There are those who believe that listening to country music makes you happier and more hopeful about life. That is, so long as your dog didn’t just run-off with your pick-up truck and your dead partner, or some such variation. Therefore, add the following Van Zant line to the soundtrack of your life: “It’s better to be hated for who you are than be loved for who you’re not. Don’t get too high on the bottle, and get right with the man.”
Virgo: The Stars are warning that you shouldn’t let people just tell you what you want to hear right now. That is, unless they say something along the lines of the following: “There’s something about you that makes me want to write a letter to Penthouse.”
Libra: Good news on the work front will keep rolling your way, so long as you work well with others and share your success. Whatever you do, don’t get involved in a workplace romance. To help, make sure this ISN’T your new mantra: “I don’t report sexual harassment. I grade it!”
Scorpio: Studies done by people with far too much grant money at their disposal have shown that a the average woman can only keep a secret for roughly 47 hours. Since Scorpios are naturally secretive people, this information should by kept in mind. As Kahlil Gibran wrote, “If you reveal your secrets to the wind, you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees.”
Sagittarius: For 86 years now, there’s been a ceremony held in Santa Fe called Zozobra, which is centered around a 50-foot tall, empty-headed, gutless, eye-rolling, moaner-groaner, good-for-nothing figure who doesn’t have a leg to stand on. He gets burnt to the ground once a year, taking a year’s worth of troubles with him. Your new assignment is to have your own such ceremony, just don’t accidentally burn down the house or your neighbor’s cat during the process.
Capricorn: The Stars say make plans to take some time off as February gives way to March. All work and no play can make you not only a dull person, but a cranky one with a sore back to boot. In case you need some motivation to schedule some down time, don’t forget the advice of writer Lewis Grizzard: “Never let your mind write a check your body can’t cash.”
