Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Aquarius: Since your birthday gift is to remember that the key to success is accepting yourself, your new role model is America’s leading Tupperware salesperson, “Aunt Barbara.” The real reason Auntie Babs, a cross-dressing Long Island native, is so successful is because she is creative and has a good sense of humor (telling people cheese graters also make good self-defense weapons) and because Auntie B embraces her true self, which is apparently heavily influenced by Barbra Streisand.

Pisces: The Stars report that very good energy is heading towards most Pisces, especially for anyone who’s been spending way too much time on the business end of life’s digestive tract. Therefore, as life directs its favors back toward you, try to take it easy on those less fortunate. You know how stinky it can get.

Aries: Since February is going to be a great month for you to socialize, do so safely and responsibility. You don’t want your strongest Super Bowl week memory to be hearing someone cheer: “Give me D! Give me a U! Give me an I!” or “Give me an S! Give me a T! Give me a D!”

Taurus: This week’s full moon will usher in a time of happiness at home and progress at work. To help you make the most out of it, here are a few of classic lines from fellow Taurus, Barbra Streisand: 1) “You have got to discover you, what you do, and trust it.” 2) “I just don’t want to be hampered by my own limitations.” 3) “I am simple, complex, generous, selfish, unattractive, beautiful, lazy and driven.”

Gemini: In honor of Super Bowl Sunday, the second biggest eating day in America besides Thanksgiving, your inspiration for the week comes from fellow Gemini, football legend Vince Lombardi: Hut 1)“The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.” Hut 2) “It’s not whether you get knocked down; it’s whether you get up.” Hike) “We would accomplish many more things if we did not think of them as impossible.”

Cancer: In honor of the Super Bowl, make up your own new positive chant to get you through any temporary challenges. To help, make sure they sound nothing like these: “Giants fans are lousy in the sack!” “Pats fans smell like chowda!” or “Never date a Flyers fan, even if she trims her beard!”

Leo: Calm and focused is the attitude Leos should be embracing right now. After all, cats such as you get nine lives anyway, so there’s no reason to get your hair raised over some temporary, ultimately short-lived nuisance. All you really need to do is relax, remember how adaptable you are and hack a fur ball or two.

Virgo: In honor of “Super Bowl: Some-Roman-Numeral-Most-Americans-Can’t-Translate,” (in this case XLVI or 46) your classic Virgo question about life comes from signmate and Super Bowl winning head coach, Bill “Big Tuna” Parcells: “How many times do you need to get hit in the face with a skunk before you know it stinks?”

Libra: A Celtic myth says that eating hazelnuts makes you more intelligent. According to most Giants fans, Patriots fans can shove hazelnuts up their butts for all they care. What this means in relation to you is that life is going to be keeping you so busy in February and it’ll sometimes seem pretty nutty. To make the most out of it, try drinking more fresh roasted coffee; just don’t tell anyone to shove the beans where the sun don’t shine.

Scorpio: The Stars think you should be a little extra cautious this month, especially when driving or speaking. This doesn’t mean you need to walk everywhere or constantly bite your tongue; it does means you should take a ride when offered one, and remember that sometimes it’s better to touch than talk.

Sagittarius: The Stars recommend caution with any travels plans you have this month; unless you like to tinker with annoying mechanical problems. In that case, Clouds suggests just staying home and taking up snowmobiling, since it’s a sport that usually requires spending way more time working on your sled than actually riding on it.

Capricorn: Since Cardinal signs such as yours are happiest when focused, your new advice during moments of strife is to go listen to something soothing and strengthening. Clouds recommends some positive, toe-tapping work by fellow Cap, Mary J. Blige: “It’s time to realize it’s up to you and I … it feels so good when you let go of all the drama in your life. Now you’re free … free from all the stress. So find your happiness.”