Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Aquarius: In Chinese astrology, we have recently entered the Year of the Dragon. As its namesake implies, the Year of the Dragon tends to breathe fire into people’s lives. If you’re in need of having a fire lit under your butt, don’t make this line from fellow Aquarian W. C Fields your motto: “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
Pisces: Now that we’re well into the Chinese Year of the Dragon, you might be starting to feel a little hot under the collar, as though you’re itching for a change. And the Stars say that’s normal. Just try not to give in quite yet. If you can stay the course for a few more months, you’ll get to use that hot dragon breath to roast marshmallows and toast buns.
Aries: Legend has it that many moons ago, the great Buddha asked all the animals to meet on the Chinese New Year’s eve. An even dozen showed up for the party and each was rewarded with a year named after it. This is the Year of the Dragon and most Aries have a bit of Dragon in them. So try embracing your inner “Puff the Magic Komodo Dragon.”
Taurus: Since this is the Chinese Year of the Dragon, Clouds thought you could use a few McNuggets of Dragon wisdom. The Dragon is the mightiest sign in the Chinese Zodiac. People tend to be more aggressive and ambitious during such years. People born during these years are usually very successful in life. The best way to measure success is to count how many times you’ve loved until it hurt and laughed until you almost peed yourself.
Gemini: Since people tend to be more driven and focused during the Year of the Dragon, they also tend to get worn out. So be sure to get your rest when you can and way before you start feeling more worn out than a one-legged contestant in a butt-kicking contest.
Cancer: Here are your daily affirmations for this Chinese Year of the Dragon: Today I will believe in myself. Today I will remember to not speak poorly about any of the moronic bungholes in my life. Today I will be odd, but not irritable. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, although tomorrow will be as well so it’s okay to eat more ice cream today.
Leo: Clouds reminds all you lovely, lustful Leos that we’re in the Chinese Year of the Dragon and such years are said to be lucky. To help you become luckier in life, be thankful for what you have and even for what you don’t. And to help you get even luckier in general, make this your new motto: “I love and accept everyone, especially people who want to play naked Twister with me.”
Virgo: Seeing as how laughter is a salve for anything troubling Virgos, and since this Chinese Year of the Dragon requires resiliency and a positive attitude, here are some thoughts to ponder: A) Attitude is the only thing in life we really control. B) “Bird” definitely is NOT the word, but then again neither is “fantabulous.” C) Keep Calm, Chive On! D) Dyslexics are Teople Poo!
Libra: If you want to be happy there are three easy steps. First) Eat healthier stuff that makes you feel happier, such as sunflower seeds, salmon and blackberries. Next) Learn to laugh at yourself; reading Clouds is a step in the right direction … akin to hitting the Hippie Lettuce. Last) Make your friggin’ mind up to be happier!
Scorpio: Now that we’re in the very powerful Year of the Dragon, most Scorpios should be sensing a growing empowerment in life. Therefore, here are your new power words: “Yes!” “No!” “Maybe after another drink.” “Success.” “Forgiveness.” “Time out, I’m not going to lose my poop over this!”
Sagittarius: This Chinese Year of the Dragon should remind you that sometimes life hands you lemons, which is good if you like lemonade, or Lemoncello or lemon wedges with your Hefeweizen. But sometimes, life kicks you in the family jewels, which isn’t so good, unless you need to spend some time quietly reflecting on your life while massaging your happy place.
Capricorn: The Stars recommend you sneak in as much R & R & R — that’s rest, relaxation and rubbing/randy-ness — as you can for the rest of this Leap Year month. This should help assure you’ve got plenty of leap in you when spring rolls around and things during the Year of the Dragon really start to take off.
