Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Aries: Now that spring and your latest birthday are back in season, spend time really thinking about what you want for the next year. If you’ll be thankful for all you already have and for what you’d like to have (love, promotion, employment, an incredibly active amorous life, etc), you’re certain to achieve anything you desire. Just remember that Clouds dug you before you were cool.

Taurus: According to a recent study, people who don’t get a college degree are more likely to be “heavy drinkers” than those who do. Interestingly, those with graduate degrees tend to drink more than those with bachelor degrees. The lesson here: it’s not so much about your attitude, as it is about your attitude … that, and student loans are screwing up more than the economy.

Gemini: The Stars suggest that you get plenty of sleep right now. After all, studies show that driving while sleep-deprived can be just as dangerous as driving while drunk. Unless, that is, you’re driving while drunk on life, in which case, feel free to drive with your pants off while singing Neil Diamond songs, such as “Money talks, but it don’t sing and dance, and it don’t walk.”

Cancer: The New Orleans Saints recently got punished heavily for breaking National Football League rules and rewarding team members for trying to hurt opponents — even after they were warned to stop. They then got caught lying about it and were subsequently taken to the woodshed. The lesson here: chickens always come home to roost — and they get really pissed if you’re not honest with them.

Leo: Life in general should start to feel very positive for Leos as we move through spring. So stay the course and be careful about what you say and to whom you say it, for success breeds jealousy. Overall, however, feel free to get so excited about spring that you wet your plants.

Virgo: The average doctor’s visit now lasts less than 10 minutes. It’s awfully tough to truly understand people after 10 years, let alone10 minutes. So use this statistic to remind you that you’re in control of your health. And remember that the keys to a healthy, happy life are self-love, regular exercise, plenty of rest, eating well and finding someone to “Play Doctor” with.

Libra: The Stars think you Libras need to work on being clear and patient with others for the next several weeks. As Cloudsfucious once said, “The most important letters in confusion are usually f-u.” And as The Lorax said, “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.”

Scorpio: There are those who believe the keys to love are the same keys to raising a healthy dog. Here are some of the rules for raising great canines: 1) Accept the things you cannot change. 2) Don’t blame yourself for their behavior, but always try to keep your pet feeling cared for. 3) Enjoy fresh air regularly and some heavy petting every so often.

Sagittarius: Your lesson for the week involves the importance of words. Consider the following auto accident report: “The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.” Make sure your words are well thought out, especially before they become legal record.

Capricorn: Members of this sign might feel a bit dazed and confused by life right now. But that’s okay, so long as you don’t try to fight it. In fact, try picturing life as a great big amusement park. Sometimes the lines get long, and the rides are a bit too rough and scary, but that’s no reason to freak out or throw a hissy fit.

Aquarius: Life has been a struggle for most Aquarians recently, but that is all set to end. How is this going to happen? Simple. You’re going to have to decide it’s time for better times. It’ll help if you try to forgive everyone, including yourself, and only make promises you know you can truly keep. For example, “I promise I’ll never say, ‘I’ll never drink again!’”

Pisces: Since this is as good a time as any to get back in touch with your inner child, here are your assignments: A) Add more things to your life that make you laugh. B) Write notes to people in crayon. C) Impress and astound people by reciting the names of all eight of the ducklings from “Make Way For Ducklings:” Jack, Kack, Lack, Mack, Nack, Oack, Pack and Quack.