Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Leo: Now that splendors of August have arrived, life for Lions should steadily improve for a long time to come. To help it all go down smooth, adopt one of these two mottos: 1) From fellow Leo Jerry Garcia, “Whichever way your pleasure tends. If you plant ice you’re gonna harvest wind.” b) You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning.

Virgo: As we all know, loose lips sink ships. So, be on the lookout for torpedoes in the shape of other people’s mouths. This doesn’t mean you have to sound the alarm every time you hear something alarming. It just means you should ignore the comments, grab a drink — one that includes a little umbrella — and head to the sun deck.

Libra: If, as the old ad slogan suggests, weekends were made for Michelob then it only makes sense that Mondays were made for Mickeys, Tuesdays for tequila and Wednesdays for, well, humping. With that cleared up, remember that booze is best when used in moderation, and not treated like it owes you money or dissed your dog.

Scorpio: Every single one of us, regardless of age, gender or race, is addicted to something. It’s human nature and, if not abused, our addictions can often help us. There are, however, certain addictions that are nothing but bad: crack, pornography, grand theft, Grand Theft Auto, bungee jumping naked and the worst one of all, fear. Your new mission is to get back to being addicted to joy, wonder and partial nudity.

Sagittarius: In case you’ve forgotten, people born under this sign are blessed with optimism, freedom and a terrific sense of humor. The people of this sign are also known for being careless, restless and occasionally tactless. Now that we’ve gotten that out the way, your new assignment is be more patient and tasteful. And to adopt this saying: “He who laughs last probably didn’t get it.”

Capricorn: This is the tenth and the most down-to-earth sign. Therefore, the folks of this sign are practical and ambitious and are never afraid to roll up their sleeves and get after it. But as we all know, all work and no play makes Jack and all the rest of us dull, depressed and stressed out. So make sure you get some “me time” and that you spend some of that time going “commando.”

Aquarius: To help you make the most out of the last full month of summer, heed the following suggestions: 1) Quit drinking Haterade. 2) Never make eye contact while eating a banana. 3) Just rub some dirt on it. IV) Never let the bastards get you down!

Pisces: Your lessons for the beginning of August are as follows: 1) You can make a right turn down the wrong street. 2) The best part of being schizophrenic is that you’re never lonely. 3) Love is what you deserve, but must be brave enough to embrace completely. Q) Never fry bacon in the nude.

Aries: It looks as though relationships are being highlighted for you this month. To help, here are a  few relationship tips: 1) If the other person requires a tip, you really shouldn’t consider it dating. 2) True love is taking care of someone who’s hammered and slurring obscenities at shrubbery. 3) And from Kaiser Wilhelm: “Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.””

Taurus: The Stars warn that you should watch your stress levels this month and make sure you relieve them. If that means you have to do some Jazzercise or rub someone else’s thighs or bake your own pizza pies or laugh until you cry, then adopt the Nike motto and “Just do it!” As Clouds’ hero, Dave Barry, once wrote: “You can only be young once, but you can always be immature.”

Gemini: Your August should be as full as Clouds’ cooler on the way to a fishing hole. To make sure you’re feeling groovy, be sure you also make time for some healthy stuff: hiking, biking … bedroom aerobics. And remember the old saying, “Beer doesn’t make you fat. It makes you lean … against bars, tables, poles, friends, soon-to-be-soggy enemies, poodles, etc.”

Cancer: This month is going to afford plenty of time for you to figure out what you really want out of life. Naturally, they’ll be a little struggle, a moment or two of self-doubt and stress may mess with you some. To help keep you strong, remember these words from Benjamin Franklin: “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”